A Dissertation on the Logic Processing Levels in the Average Douchebag

Circular Douchebag Logic 101;

Any woman who won't fuck me must be a lesbo, because there is no other rational reason why she could refuse a chance to touch my penis. No healthy hetero woman can resist my manly pheremones and my penis of wondrous awe, unless she is DJ'ing at a pussy party.


Women are ONLY lesbos BECAUSE they have not touched my penis, for my penis is magical and homo-curative. If these women gave in to logic and nature, they would touch my amazing penis and never look at another vagina as long as they live.

Further still

Any lesbo who foolishly insists she really is a lesbo and refuses the wonders of my magical penis is only a lesbo because she is so fat and ugly that no man will touch her, forcing her to turn to other fat ugly women. I will however throw her a pity fuck if she comes to her senses, because I'm cool like that.


The lesbo status of any woman refusing my magic penis is immutable and inarguable, for it is plainly obvious that my magic penis is so awesome and magnificent that were these women heterosexual their every instinct would cause them to impale themselves upon it immediately.

A dissertation on the mental deformity of function posessed by 60% of all men on the internet.

It is officially wired into the dna of roughly 60% of all men who use the internet; that the words "Lesbian" and "No" are always interpreted as code. The remaining 40% of men of course, hear lesbian and think "Ah rats, she's not into dudes, oh well!". They hear "no" and think "Well, can't blame a guy for trying right? You have a lovely day Miss!".

These are not the men this is describing.

To the 60%, referred to in scientific parlance as either "Massive cockmaggots" or simply "HNG's", these otherwise simple terms do not mean what they mean.

Whereas to normal, properly functioning brains NOT being deprived of blood flow by permanent erectile states, "Lesbian" means "Romantically and sexually attracted only to other women", and "No" means simply "No", the genetic code of the typical HING by it's naturally low intelligence and respect levels, is incapable of interpreting these two words correctly. Instead, they receive a specific misinterpretation from their undernourished brains, which works as follows;

Lesbian means either;
- Until I am cured by your magical penis (™ & ©), because I am only a lesbian because some big scary man hurt me and in my fear and confusion I turned foolishly to women, and if I just give you a chance you'll show me how much I really want a man
- I'm only SAYING I'm a lesbian to weed out pussy men not strong-willed enougfh to push me into admitting it's a lie, because only a strong forceful man like you is good enough for me. No matter how much I insist I really am a lesbian, it's only a test to see how determined you are, and if you just keep at it, eventually you will win my love because no woman ever really prefers pissy to your awesome magical penis (™ & ©).

No simply means;
- Yes you big silly, I'm only saying no because it's how I was raised, there's no possible way I could be telling the truth when I say I don't want your awesome magical penis (™ & ©) because, I mean, come on! It's an awesome magical penis! How could I possibly be serious about declining?

No amount of repetition of the actual definitions will ever be successful in counteracting this hardwired misinterpretation. The only effective treatment of this sad mental deformity is to block the HNG from being able to contact you. Or to tell them you have a penis and it is bigger than theirs.


Careless Fraud Friday

Today I got a thank you from a known anti-gay bigot fruitloop in my e-mail. Strange that. Being thanked for shit I didn't do. This shit is WAY too funny, there was no way humanly possible I could NOT share this.

Quick Background first; Every week, Eugene Delgaudio, a small-time not-even-a-blip-on-the-radar anti-gay activist, sends a mass e-mail to anyone on his mailing list pleading for money to help him, as the self-appointed "Public Advocate of the United States", stop the evil homosexual lobby from passing things like "The Homosexual Classrooms Act". Yeah I know, I never heard of it either. He does this by telling bizarre,m weird, ridiculous fairytales designed to scare little old ladies into sending him their grocery money. Tales where he is the poor beleaguered hero whose life is constantly in danger because of evil violent gay men. According to him, he's narrowly escaped a warehouse full of earring sporting ponytail wearing mustachiod faggots and been beaned with a giant rock in his own home. It's like an old 30's serial, we tune in every week on Joe.My.God's blog to see the next exciting chapter!

So last week I clicked the link from Joe's to Eugene's website because Canada was mentioned. I looked at some of his fucked-up ramblings, laughed at his clear insanity, and left the website. And that is ALL I did. I didn't fill out ANY forms of ANY kind or click on anything about signing up for anything.

So imagine my shock when THIS just arrived in my inbox...

(Warning, this DEFINITELY will fall into tl;dr territory. The man is NOTHING if not longwinded.)

Dear Penny,

Um, how do you know my name? Do you moonlight as The Great Zucchini at the local fairgrounds?

Thank you for your recently signed petition. I am excited to know you are an American who is willing to take a stand for pro-family values.

The last petition I signed was to ask CNN to stop bringing folks like you on as "Conservative experts".

Here at Public Advocate, fighting for and defending the family values our nation was founded on is what we are all about.

Wasn't one of those values separation of Church and State?

If you are looking for a hard-hitting pro-family organization with a history of victories against the growing radical Homosexual Lobby, look no further than Public Advocate of the United States.

His victories are as imaginary as the Bills he's fighting against. And the 70's gay pornstars he fantasizes about getting beaten up by.

Founded in 1981, Public Advocate quickly took center stage as the nation’s leading family advocate with over 400,000 united pro-family activists.

His math sucks. He and his wife don't equal 400K. Unless he just repeats their names with different spellings ad nauseum on the staff page..

Time after time, Public Advocate has beaten back the attempts of the Homosexual Lobby to pass legislation aimed at making homosexuals a special class of citizens.

The only thing he's ever beaten back was his medication.

But, victories these days have been harder and harder to come by.

Hard to dwindle something you never had any of to begin with.

Which is why I so excited to have your signed petition!

I didn't sign a damned thing for you and I'll sue you into oblivion if my name appears on any of your crap.

With it, I will prove to Congress that the American people still hold traditional family values dear.

By commandeering the signature of a fat paegan hermaphrodite lesbian? Yeah let me know how that works out for you.

And if you believe the threat of the Homosexual Lobby is being blown out of proportion, think again.

The Religious Right? Blowing homosexuality out of proportion? THE HELL YOU SAY???

At this very moment, individuals and organizations with hundreds of millions of dollars that comprise the Homosexual Lobby are working to pass their radical agenda.

Ha, I WISH! We could afford nationwide TV spots to make fun of NOM.

Here are just a few names and organizations you may recognize: Tim Gill, Barney Frank, Pat Stryker, Jared Polis, Cindy and Meghan McCain, The Advocate, GLAAD, and the Human Rights Campaign.

All decent hardworking people. Well, except McCain's daughters. They just want to give Daddy a heart attack.

All of these people are working towards what they call “equal rights” for homosexuals, when in reality, the rights they are trying to acquire would be unique to homosexuals only.

So.... if we get the right to marry, somehow NO ONE ELSE will be allowed to? Hetero spouses will be kicked out of a dying spouses' hospital room? Straight white men will be routinely denied employment for being blonde and blue-eyed?

A Thought Control bill was just recently passed. This bill puts into law regulations that deem so-called “hate speech” as illegal.

I never heard of any such bill being pa.... ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!!!

This has me worried, and I hope you are too. Because who is to say what language will be considered hate speech?

Pretty much anyone being advocated into jail or out of the country or just outright murdered for simply existing? That might be a start.

Don’t believe me? In Canada and Europe pastors have been thrown in jail for preaching Biblical teachings against homosexuality.

Nope. Not a one. Ever. I live here, trust me, if it had happened the National Post would be all OVER that shit. Conrad Black hates him some gay folks.

This very well may be the reality of Thought Control in the United States.

But I thought Pink Floyd was a British band?

I hope you know how serious this issue really is.

About as serious as your headwound from the giant rock you somehow survived being brained with?

Which is why, as President of Public Advocate, I have devoted my life to protecting family values and defending our freedoms.

By denigrating families that scare you and fighting to rob them of their freedoms. Seems counterproductive to me.

I want to leave a legacy I am proud of, knowing the United States is still the nation I grew up in.

No dear, that was Leave It To Beaver you're remembering. The USA was never ACTUALLY like that.

But without your support, this year alone we could see Barney Frank’s so-called “Employment Non-Discrimination Act” put into law.

*sighs* Only if they throw trans folk under the bus. And even then it's a stretch with this many republicans in congress.

We call this the “Gay Bill of Special Rights” because it doesn’t eliminate discrimination, it destroys workplace protection from radical homosexuals whose only mission is to spread their agenda.

You losing the right to be a dick at the office is not discrimination dear.

If passed, the Gay Bill of Special Rights would require workplaces to meet a quota of homosexual employees, forcing employers to choose a radical homosexual over a potentially more qualified candidate.

Good thing the gay folks are likely just as qualified. Because we're the same as anyone else that way.

And no workplace will be exempt. Churches, daycares, nursing homes, private schools, you name it, all will have to adhere to these regulations.

Only if they're taking government money. If you're taking government funding, you obey the law. If you want to discrimiate, do it on your own dime. It's not rocket science.

And Obama is even looking to push for the repeal of "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" this year, which would remove the protection our soldiers have from the Homosexual Lobby.

Aww, typing up all the thinly veiled gay erotica he sends out must have distracted him from watching the news of late, DADT has gone the way of the DoDo and Donald Trump's original hair.

And even the Healthcare bill is filled with numerous paybacks to homosexuals, giving lower healthcare premiums to “unmarried” homosexuals than married couples, all paid for at taxpayer expense.

Nah. Obama doesn't like gays THAT much.

I hope you understand this threat is real. . . and imminent.

About as real and imminent as the scary gay man supposedly camped out in your son's treehouse waiting to beat you up?

And I also hope you will consider making a donation to Public Advocate to help protect our family values.

Oh sure, let me go check my Swiss Bank account and get right on that.

Public Advocate will never waver from the firm conviction that political decisions should begin and end with the best interests of American families and communities in mind, and that marriage is a sacred union between one man and one woman.

You know, except when it's between one man and three women he bought from a farmer, or one rapist and his victim after he pays her father for damage to his property, all neatly found in that Bible you've clearly never actually read through.

Public Advocate has been 100% dependent on the financial support of contributors, we do not receive any government or taxpayer money, nor do we want it.

Because money that otherwise would have bought groceries and heating for some little old lady he terrified with bullshit is SO much sweeter.

I would appreciate it if you could help support Public Advocate by making a charitable contribution, please click here.

And I would appreciate it if you'd stick your penis in battery acid to insure you stay out of the gene pool but we can't always get what we want.

No matter the amount, be it $5 or $50 or more, every dollar you give is greatly appreciated and will go a long way towards defending our pro-family values.

As long as that family resembles the Cleavers. Any other configuration can go fuck themselves.

It is my hope to keep you up-to-date on the fight for pro-family values through email alerts.

Oh please do! I can supply my friends with material for the rest of my natural life!

There are some tough battles coming up very soon and I am going to need your help if we are to win.

Sure! I'd LOVE to help you denigrate my marriage and my loving relationship! Where do I sign up! Oh right, the phishing software hidden on your website beat me to it. Darn!

Thank you for your support.

Thank you for giving me clear evidence of computer fraud to forward to the FBI!


Eugene Delgaudio
Public Advocate of the U.S.

I officially declare myself president of the Fetlife Advocate Of Breast Gropings. W#ow that was easy! Now to terrify someone into giving me their lunch money.

P.S. Public Advocate is the leading force in defending the conservative pro-family values our nation was founded on.

And for over 50 years the World Wrestling Federation was the leading force in Sports Entertainment!

Please consider a donation to Public Advocate to help defend our pro-family values from the Homosexual Lobby's attacks.

I might if you WERE pro-family instead of pro-stealing my money.

Because Public Advocate of the U.S. lobbies to fight the radical agenda of the Homosexual Lobby, contributions are not tax deductible for IRS purposes. This email was not produced or e-mailed at taxpayer expense. Public Advocate's website is http://notgoingtolethimphishanyofyou.fucknugget

Awww, too bad for you then. I only donate to hateful bigots if I can declare it on my 502.

To help Public Advocate grow, please forward this to a friend.

I am, but I don't think you'll like the friends I'm showing this to you, they're all way smarter than you and have awesome built-in natural bullshit detectors.

Funny thing is, I visited his site near a week ago, but the e-mail said I was only added to his list today. Also, shock and awe, any attempt to reply to his spam gets a mailer-daemon error. Guess he doesn't like people calling him on his shit?

Time Travel Has Been Discovered!!!

Because that is SERIOUSLY the only logical explanation for how this piece of misogynist horseshit from the 1950's can possibly exist today.

Unless the design team was headed up by either Phyllis Schafly or Wendy Wright, or a middle class teenaged white girl who's watched WAY too much of Pretty Little Liars, there is no way in hell a woman was even so much as consulted in making this game.

The game advertises itself, condescendingly, as being "Finally! A game for GIRLS!". It boasts the ability to turn your virtual self into a "successful lady" who shops constantly, (seriously, every mission set has a "go shopping at the mall" goal of some sort), changes her look like a drag Lon Chaney, (again, a makeover goal of some kind is in nearly every mission set too), and find a boyfriend.

The boyfriend finding is of course a social climbing game, as your virtual boyfriend is scored by his job and thus how much money he gives you. If you don't like the first one? Just dump him and try again! But oh, don't date TOO many guys girls, you don't want to be a slut, and playing the field means you'll NEVER be happy or fulfilled!

Which is funny, since the game pretty much ONLY rewards you FOR acting like a stereotypical vapid slut given how the people who would make a game like this most likely would define a slut. It's classic mixed signal slut shaming. You HAVE to bag a boyfriend to be a successful fulfilled "Lady", you HAVE to slut around some to bag a RICH boyfriend who can take care of you, but don't you dare ACT like a filthy slut you vapid little tart!

Classic misogyny. This is what sexist men think all women should be striving for, not silly things like falling in love on her own terms, or having a successful carreer.

Ohhhh, employment, yes. The game DOES let your virtual woman find a job. Because it's all progressive like that. Yes, you can find a job..... baking cookies, or serving cocktails. But nary an executive or management job to be found. Oh silly me, why would I think a girl could ever get or even want a job like that? After all, a job is just a temporary source of money for clothes and make-up until we finally land our Mister Right to foot all the bills!

I am honestly legitimately surprised there isn't a blowjob minigame wherein you hit the up and down keys in rapid succession to raise points for some arbitrary score about how much you can use sex to exert control over your man.

Maybe in the next update?


Some Happy News To Cheer You All Up

I thought for once some happy news would be a good thing to share with everyone. We all get to read about so much depressing and/or triggering fuckery that sometimes it gets a bit much to take and things can feel kinda bleak. But I have a tale of fuckery vanquished to act as a sorbet for everyone.

Trigger Warning for sexual violence and Misogyny.

So on Monday the 10th, I was lazily shedding turkey coma, (Canadian Thanksgiving WAS Monday here, but my mom does the family dinner thing on Sundays), and was having a scroll through my twitter feed. One of my UK friends seemed to be upset about something. So much so she had misspelled the url for the link to what had upset her in a blog entry.

While I was telling her the link needed correcting I asked her to show me what had upset her. She linked me to 1StopShirtShop.co.uk, an otherwise seemingly normal internet shirt store.They had the usual categories that have become common of course. Some comic book tees here, some movie tees there. And the seemingly obligatory these days "Offensive tees".

Most of the offensive tees were of the expected "Get in the kitchen my sammich won't make itself" variety. Sexist and unfunny, but sadly easy enough to ignore for most of us. But the shirt that had upset my friend was one that read "If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it rape or shoplifting?".

As a rape survivor AND a former prostitute, this staggering example of Rape Culture almost literally made me vomit.

I've become friends with Change.org's Shelby Knox since she rectified the "Justin" incident for me last fall. "The then community manager of change had banned me for standing up to rape apologists who were blatantly posting dehumanizing "most rapes are false reports to hurt men" comments. My rebuttals sharing person history tio show why rape is bad all got deleted, but the rape apologists' posts were still there, Shelby rectified it by encouraging Justin to move on and deleted the offending comments. So given that I decided to try a petition there aimed at this shop.

So I started the petition.

I set the signature goal at 1500. I thought that seemed a reasonable target for what was ostensibly a small action. I shared the petition link on Twitter and Facebook. And hoped for the best.

Now I've seen other such actions on Change that generally took awhile to get anywhere, if they ever did. But much to my happy surprise, in less than 24 hours after only 100 signatures, I found that 1Stop had quieted removed all trace of the shirt ever existing. The link to it's page used on the petition description comes back dead, and going to their homepage and searching keywords "rape" or "prostitute" turn up no results of this shirt.

The company listened, with minimal prodding, and removed a shirt that went well beyond just being "off colour humour" and into promoting the rape of sex workers. They heard the message about rape culture, about the harms that sex workers face, and they LISTENED.

And that, while sadly being an all too rare thing these days, is a wonderful thing. Someone listened with minimal prodding and a harmful shirt that, and you folks all know I'm not exaggerating, could have legitimately contributed to actual sex workers being raped, by frat boys who think the shirt is funny, or a men who realizes police likely won't care. A shirt like that was outright dangerous.

But they LISTENED. We spoke up about rape and someone actually heard us.

And goddammit, that just feels good.