An Example of Ingrained Social Racism I Just Realized

I've noticed a subtle example of ingrained socialized racism while watching this past Sunday's episode of Jon Taffer's "Bar Rescue".

While I was cooking dinner, listening to the show in the background, I heard the narrator begin to introduce the chef Jon was bringing in to help the failing bar of the week. The moment the narrator described the chef's style of cooking as "soulful" I knew without even having to look at the screen the chef was black. Why?

Because on Bar Rescue whenever Jon brings in a chef who happens to be black, the narrator describes their cooking as soulful, as in "soul food". When the chef is white, the buzzword of choice is "elevated". Latino chefs always have food with a "zesty kick". And never ever does the narrator mix it up.

This to me shows a very mild and subtle example of ingrained racism. Assuming the Narrator is simply reading copy in front of him in the recording booth, whomever writes that copy writes it with some preconceived racist notions so subtle I doubt they even notice they're doing it. Certain descriptors that have over time somehow become tied to different races.

Is it necessarily inaccurate that soul food is most often cooked by black cooks, or that Latino cooking is traditionally more spicy? No. Those are the sorts of stereotypes that exist because they are often actually accurate. Where it truly slips into racism though, however unintended it may be, is that the only ethnicity that ever has their cooking described as "elevated" are the white chefs. THAT'S where the subconscious stench of culturally ingrained racism begins to seep in.

Because this kind of racism is so ingrained, so sewn in to the social consciousness, that it just seems perfectly normal to describe the white chefs as cooking the "elevated" dishes, and almost no one ever even notices. We all just kind of shrug it off. It rarely registers with most people, regardless of their race, that what they're hearing is kinda broken and problematic, because we've all been subtly conditioned to see this kind of thing as simply normal. And it's damned hard to unsee it. I've been watching Bar Rescue for all 6 seasons, and only JUST realized this.

And that's why racism ends up being so difficult to fight, to beat, to eradicate.

Anyone can see the problem when a neo-nazi shouts "ni**er" on a street corner. Those are the big blunt examples. We all know that's wrong. But we can't succeed in fighting the big loud examples if we can't get ourselves to see the subtle tiny ones. Because it's the subtle tiny ones we all just blindly accept that give the bigger ones the room to keep festering until they thrive.


A Message For Piers Morgan and All Other Rape Apologists

Fuck you to EVERY SINGLE PERSON laughing at Shia LeBeouf.

Fuck you to EVERY SINGLE PERSON gleefully cackling about how he isn't following the Good Rape Victim Script (™ & ©) of how survivors are "supposed" to behave if they're telling the truth.

Fuck you to Piers Morgan, who was already a shitmaggot to begin with, for all but ordering his millions of followers to not believe Shia and to ridicule him.

Fuck you to all the salivating rape apologists desperate to protect rape culture who are jumping on Shia because they think the SJW's will only cry foul if they attack female survivors who fail to realize that their rape apologism makes them pondscum regardless of the gender/biology of the victim they're shitting on.

Fuck you if you utter any of the following things when discussing Shia's claims;

- "Pfft, men can't be raped"
- "If it REALLY happened he'd have called the police"
- "REAL survivors aren't so calm when discussing it. REAL survivors are weepy and trembly when they talk about it"
- "Oh he's just saying it to get attention, what a drama queen he is"

And most importantly, fuck you, just seriously fuck you right in the ear to high hell, if you just automatically dismiss his claim for ANY reason, because that is perpetuating Rape Culture, and if you willfully perpetuate rape culture I don't want to fucking know you.

I believe Shia LeBeouf. I believe ALL people of ANY gender who are brave enough to step forward in this world that shames and shits on survivors and say out loud "I was raped".


The Latest Sleazy Bullshit from MRAs/GamerGaters

So... the latest skeevy ploy from MRAs and GamerGaters to vilify the women and men who call out their misogyny? Accuse SJW's of being Pro Child Molestation because of a 4 year old Gawker article that had the guts to be publicly saying that pedophiles need serious therapy.

Yes, because being mature enough to acknowledge pedophiles are sick and need help is TOTES the same thing as being pro kiddie diddling. *smacks self*

Seriously, the logical fallacy and cognitive hoop-jumping dissonance required to make such a mindnumbingly idiotic leap astounds me. That's like saying I'm pro rape if I say rapists need serious psychiatric help. Supporting a sick offender needing psychiatric intervention is NOTHING EVEN REMOTELY the same as supporting their crimes. Only the hugest and densest of complete fucking idiots would make such a connection.

I was molested. Would these idiots REALLY say I'm "Pro-molestation" if I say my uncle needed help? Because if he'd gotten psychiatric help for his urges? HE MIGHT NOT HAVE FUCKING EVER HURT ME IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE!!! He might ALSO not be dead now, as he was found having hung himself in a closet when he was 17. His urges CLEARLY bothered him with guilt and no one on my father's side of my family was listening to his cries for help or trying to help him or even acknowledging anything was wrong.

How is that so goddamn hard for the MRAs and the GamerGaters who hate SJW's so much to fucking understand? Easy. They understand it perfectly well. But they also know how easy it is to just say "child-molester" and get the average joe riled up with blind rage. What this is, is blatant and intentional misrepresentation of ONE article to vilify the entire movement, to paint a distraction target on the people they fear for calling out their privilege, so others will stop focusing on THEM.

This is a bunch of selfish sexist manchild assholes lashing out with made-up bullshit because they're comfortable at the top of the food chain and don't want to have to grow up or share their toys.

And like EVERYTHING else Gamergaters and MRAs say or do, it is morally and intellectually dishonest, and frankly, outright repulsive.


In the Event of My Suicide

None of you are going to like this post, but I'm posting it anyway to give you all fair warning.

Some of you may have noticed a significant drop in how chatty I am of late. Those of you who used to get PM'sd from me daily now talk to me more and more rarely. I post less on Facebook and just straight share more without adding my commentary. How I've just been slowly getting less and less my chatty mouthy self.

You all know I'm basically terminally ill. I suffer from a laundry list of ailments that, individually aren't lethal if properly treated, like my diabetes (which is actually well controlled), or my epilepsy, but that, altogether with my Porphyria and my Fibro mean it's only a matter of time before my life becomes physically unlivable.

I've spoken before about my daily thoughts of suicide just to escape the physical suffering I endure every day, that I keep fighting through it and don't kill myself so I don't hurt all of you.

Most of you though, have, and I'm certain it was not easy for you to say, given me your blessing to do what's best for me even if it results in your sadness. Even my own mother Trish, who has already outlived two of my brothers, has looked me in the eye and told me that she gives me her blessing to end my suffering when it reaches a point where I feel I just don't have it in me to keep fighting.

Well that point is getting very close. I decided awhile back that when I devolve to the point where the pain is so constant and excruciating and crippling that I;

- Can't move even the littlest bit without verbally reacting to the pain
- spend more of my days crying unmoving than doing ANYTHING else at all
- can't wipe my own ass properly
- Can't stand up straight
- Can't walk more than 5 feet without tears
- Can't cook even the simplest meals for myself without getting completely exhausted
- basically when I can no longer take care of myself or my pets without assistance

Well, that's when I start making sure all my pets have good loving homes, make arrangements for my body, make my goodbye videos for everyone I love and care about, and end my life on my terms while I still have some dignity left.

And I'm sorry, I truly am, but my health is declining worse than ever, more rapidly, and I genuinely believe that time is not very far away.

Wiping in the bathroom has become a struggle. I can still DO it, but not without tears. I struggle physically just to get out of my bed to go do anything. I have to give up my more involved cooking, as standing over the counter for the prep work leaves me screaming, sobbing and exhausted. Even simpler things like slicing cheese for grilled cheese sandwiches or beating eggs for scrambled eggs exhaust me now. My weight is going up again because walking hurts too much to go out every night anymore. Sometimes I end up in tears just reaching out to pet one of my cats. Everything hurts and it never eases up anymore. I used to have high pain and low pain days. I haven't had a functional low-pain day in weeks. And pain medication has no effect. My doctor recently upgraded me to HydroMorphine, the most powerful pain medication a doctor can legally prescribe in Canada. And it does NOTHING. So I've given up all hope of treatment.

I honestly don't know how much time I have left before I devolve to the point that I've described. It may still be months away. But we ARE talking months, not years. Unless something happens and my health takes a sudden and unlikely upswing, I'm almost out of spoons.

So I'm giving everyone fair warning now. I'm going to be recording goodbye videos for those who matter most to me and making arrangements for the DVD's I make to be mailed to those who matter. If you want such a video after I'm gone, I'm going to need mailing addresses. And if you want to be on the list of people to be notified afterwards, I'll need e-mails and/or phone numbers. Whichever you feel most comfortable with. And I'll be giving my mom these arrangements to make sure everyone who matters is on the list, so no one is left wondering why one day I just stopped talking to everyone.

If you want to be on my "Notification of my Passing" list, or to receive a DVD Goodbye video from me personally, please e-mail the appropriate contact information to theaerie@shaw.ca and you will be added to the list.

I'm sorry.

I love you all.


Self-Confidence is a Wonderful Thing

So all you lot who know me know that I am, or at least prior to my surgery was, a huge bundle of various insecurities. But whilst talking to a beloved, something occurred to me. One insecurity I haven't had since my teens.

It's funny. My sexual and social confidence has bloomed greatly since my testicle removal surgery. My body feels right, I'm happy, I feel more right in my own skin. To coin a witty phrase, I have more balls now that I had my balls removed than I ever had when I had balls, lol.

And with that blossoming confidence, comes self-realization.

And I have suddenly realized... I am actually cocky about my oral skills.

It's one sexual thing I've NEVER, since after my first time doing so, doubted or feared I'm no good at.

I mean, I've ALWAYS feared I couldn't please a lover with just Miss Clitty alone, despite her girthyness, because she doesn't always last long. But I realize now that the only time I EVER had insecurities about my oral skills was the first time I did it, and those insecurities were very quickly quashed by the woman I did it to.

The first time I gave oral, I was 19, in Vernon, with an escort. She let me because I said I'd never done it before and wanted to try. Then almost immediately refused for a few minutes to believe I never had given oral before.THEN finally gave me my money back because she figured my giving her 8 orgasms in 7 minutes was more than enough payment.

So I guess I just from then on KNEW I was decent enough with my mouth. I don't THINK it. I actually 110% firmly KNOW it to be true. Because I have NEVER given a woman oral and NOT gotten a few "Oh my fucking god!" results.

So yes, dammit, I'm gonna brag. Because I'm Penny, my tongue is divine, my lips are ambrosia, and I WILL leave you a blissful gooey puddle if you let me. Because I'm THAT damned good. And with my confidence soaring post-op, I think it's well past time I had the confidence to BE confident.

I think I've earned the right to brag a little bit after four decades of being a carpet. Don't you agree?


Fuck the Bigots and Haters, This is Who and What I am!

I have real, natural 48 F breasts. I did not buy them from a surgeon. There is no plastic, no silicon. I grew them when I turned twelve. I am very proud of my breasts, and very comfortable showing them off.

Yet TERFs will and have repeatedly claimed my being proud of my breasts and willingness to show them off, (because no cis woman has EVER done that or felt that EVER right?), is proof that I am a male crossdressing autogynophile. Despite the APA long ago discrediting Autogynophilia as even being an actual real thing. It doesn't exist. I DO.

I was born with a uterus and a penis. I was born with one testicle and one ovary. I recently had the testicle removed. I was born with a tiny vaginal opening that a doctor surgically destroyed and sealed up.

Yet TERFs, (none of whom are actual doctors or biology experts. NOT A GODDAMNED ONE), will shout in my face telling me "Intersex doesn't work that way liar! You're just a confused man!"

I have no sex drive. I rarely masturbate if at all, and prior to my recent surgery only to make unwanted erections go away. I don't date, I don't pursue anyone, I don't look for sex. I'm a Demisexual, meaning I can only even ENJOY sex if it's with someone I'm already emotionally connected to on a deeper level. I don't do one night stands or casual sex.

Yet TERFs inst I'm a "Pretendbian", that I'm a man crossdressing to con lesbians into hetero sex, to "trick" them into sexually interacting with a penis. Even though I NEVER ask or expect ANY of my sexual partners to even LOOK at it let alone touch it if they don't want to, and even though EVERY woman I have EVER had sex with knew EVERYTHING about my body going in and STILL chose to fuck me of THEIR OWN GODDAMN FREE WILL. But try telling TERFs that. To TERFs I'm just a rapist dressing in drag to trick poor unsuspecting lesbians into my bed so I can sexually assault with my evil penis.

Speaking of my penis, I still have it. This is not by choice. I still have it because a minor day surgery to remove a testicle can be done locally and all related expenses are fully covered by Pharmacare. Full SRS is an invasive surgery that in my state of physical health I would be highly unlikely to survive, cannot afford the non-surgical expenses, and cannot afford the airfare. Pharmacare pays ONLY for the SRS itself, not any travel or hospital costs outside of BC, And I would have to travel outside of BC to get it if I could find a doctor willing to ignore the likelihood of my not surviving the operation. So I long ago made peace with my penis. I'm stuck with it. It's permanent. I can either hate it and end up killing myself in dysmorphic despair, or I can accept it's just a body part and get the fuck over it. So I got over it. Besides, unless I'm aroused it looks like a normal cis female clitoris anyway.

Yet TERFs say that BECAUSE I accept my genital as is and made peace with them, it proves I'm not a real woman, because if I was really a woman NOTHING could make me accept having a penis, even though they don't think trans women who DO have SRS are "real" women either, and are thus directly contradicting themselves by saying so.

This. ALL of this. This is what I deal with EVERY FUCKING DAY. EVERY day TERFs and other transphobic assholes like MRAs attack who and what I am as a person, invalidate my body and my history, deny my personality and experience, and deem themselves more expert in who and what I really am than I myself am.

This is DAILY LIFE for me. And for so many other trans and intersexed women worldwide. This is the kind of derailing invalidating dehumanizing pure raw unadulterated HATRED we face every day just for EXISTING.

Go ahead, tell me I CHOSE to feel this way. Tell me I CHOSE to be a woman with boy parts because it just gets me horny. Tell me I CHOSE to live a life guaranteed to include the risk of being beaten to a pulp or even murdered every single day just by leaving my apartment.

Go on. Tell me that. I DARE you.

No one would EVER choose this. The only choice I ever made about my gender was to stop living in fear and denial and to just be who I really am.

I am a woman with factory extras I never asked for.

I am beautiful, strong, intelligent, compassionate and kind. I am selfless often to my own detriment. I only have sex with people I love and trust and feel safe with, and I HAVE no secrets about my body or who I am. I don't "trick or deceive" ANYONE. The women I've been with are not coerced or fooled or conned. They CHOSE to be with me. And they are not magically bi or straight for doing so, (unless they WERE bi to begin with). A lesbian who chooses to fuck me is still a lesbian because I AM A WOMAN.

I am NOT a crossdressing rapist. I am NOT a confused crossdresser. I am NOT a "Pretendbian". I am not ANY of the hateful transphobic narratives TERFs lob at my head every day.

I am Penny, hear me roar. And feel free to stare at my tits because FUCK the haters, my tits are EPIC.


Why I "Feed the Trolls"

I'm frequently asked by friends both male and female, (who generally don't rock the boat or get involved in any kind of on or offline activism), why I don't just ignore trolls, why I "feed them" as it were.

I don't engage trolls to have any effect on the TROLLS. Unlike the trolls, I'm not an idiot. Whether it's an MRA being a sexist asshole, a TERF being an abusive transphobic twunt, a hyper conservative religious fundamentalist shitting on the chessboard, (500 points if you get the joke there), or just some juvenile loser being a douchebag for his own amusement, I KNOW that nothing I say or do will EVER, (barring one or two very rare exceptions), change the mind of the one trolling. I'm fully aware that nothing I say, no matter how rational, logical, factual and reasonable, will change what the trolls believe or make them stop being a dick.

I challenge them for the ones watching. The observers who aren't commenting but just reading. The ones who are sitting on the fence, who aren't well-versed or informed on the subject. When I see a troll spreading hateful lies and bullshit an uninformed fence sitter might mistake as fact, I call the troll out and rebuke their bullshit with facts. I tell the factual truth to counter their lies. I explain what feminism actually is, what misogyny means, who trans people actually are and the medical science behind it, and why a religious belief has no business dictating secular laws.

And I do it for the ones reading the exchange, who will see one person being a jerkass and see me calmly dissecting their claims, and hopefully learn both the truth from me, and how to spot a troll spreading hateful dishonesty.

And I know it works because I honestly cannot even COUNT how many times over the past nigh two decades someone has told me how informative I was and how much they learned that they didn't know before from reading my replies to trolls.

I engage the trolls so I can teach the audience. And it works. And if by responding trolls with facts and truth I can educate some good if naive people away from the hate and ignorance, then it's worth the abuse I have to wade through from the trolls to do it.