10/08/2014

In the Event of My Suicide

None of you are going to like this post, but I'm posting it anyway to give you all fair warning.

Some of you may have noticed a significant drop in how chatty I am of late. Those of you who used to get PM'sd from me daily now talk to me more and more rarely. I post less on Facebook and just straight share more without adding my commentary. How I've just been slowly getting less and less my chatty mouthy self.

You all know I'm basically terminally ill. I suffer from a laundry list of ailments that, individually aren't lethal if properly treated, like my diabetes (which is actually well controlled), or my epilepsy, but that, altogether with my Porphyria and my Fibro mean it's only a matter of time before my life becomes physically unlivable.

I've spoken before about my daily thoughts of suicide just to escape the physical suffering I endure every day, that I keep fighting through it and don't kill myself so I don't hurt all of you.

Most of you though, have, and I'm certain it was not easy for you to say, given me your blessing to do what's best for me even if it results in your sadness. Even my own mother Trish, who has already outlived two of my brothers, has looked me in the eye and told me that she gives me her blessing to end my suffering when it reaches a point where I feel I just don't have it in me to keep fighting.

Well that point is getting very close. I decided awhile back that when I devolve to the point where the pain is so constant and excruciating and crippling that I;

- Can't move even the littlest bit without verbally reacting to the pain
- spend more of my days crying unmoving than doing ANYTHING else at all
- can't wipe my own ass properly
- Can't stand up straight
- Can't walk more than 5 feet without tears
- Can't cook even the simplest meals for myself without getting completely exhausted
- basically when I can no longer take care of myself or my pets without assistance

Well, that's when I start making sure all my pets have good loving homes, make arrangements for my body, make my goodbye videos for everyone I love and care about, and end my life on my terms while I still have some dignity left.

And I'm sorry, I truly am, but my health is declining worse than ever, more rapidly, and I genuinely believe that time is not very far away.

Wiping in the bathroom has become a struggle. I can still DO it, but not without tears. I struggle physically just to get out of my bed to go do anything. I have to give up my more involved cooking, as standing over the counter for the prep work leaves me screaming, sobbing and exhausted. Even simpler things like slicing cheese for grilled cheese sandwiches or beating eggs for scrambled eggs exhaust me now. My weight is going up again because walking hurts too much to go out every night anymore. Sometimes I end up in tears just reaching out to pet one of my cats. Everything hurts and it never eases up anymore. I used to have high pain and low pain days. I haven't had a functional low-pain day in weeks. And pain medication has no effect. My doctor recently upgraded me to HydroMorphine, the most powerful pain medication a doctor can legally prescribe in Canada. And it does NOTHING. So I've given up all hope of treatment.

I honestly don't know how much time I have left before I devolve to the point that I've described. It may still be months away. But we ARE talking months, not years. Unless something happens and my health takes a sudden and unlikely upswing, I'm almost out of spoons.

So I'm giving everyone fair warning now. I'm going to be recording goodbye videos for those who matter most to me and making arrangements for the DVD's I make to be mailed to those who matter. If you want such a video after I'm gone, I'm going to need mailing addresses. And if you want to be on the list of people to be notified afterwards, I'll need e-mails and/or phone numbers. Whichever you feel most comfortable with. And I'll be giving my mom these arrangements to make sure everyone who matters is on the list, so no one is left wondering why one day I just stopped talking to everyone.

If you want to be on my "Notification of my Passing" list, or to receive a DVD Goodbye video from me personally, please e-mail the appropriate contact information to theaerie@shaw.ca and you will be added to the list.

I'm sorry.

I love you all.

9/07/2014

Self-Confidence is a Wonderful Thing


So all you lot who know me know that I am, or at least prior to my surgery was, a huge bundle of various insecurities. But whilst talking to a beloved, something occurred to me. One insecurity I haven't had since my teens.

It's funny. My sexual and social confidence has bloomed greatly since my testicle removal surgery. My body feels right, I'm happy, I feel more right in my own skin. To coin a witty phrase, I have more balls now that I had my balls removed than I ever had when I had balls, lol.




And with that blossoming confidence, comes self-realization.

And I have suddenly realized... I am actually cocky about my oral skills.

It's one sexual thing I've NEVER, since after my first time doing so, doubted or feared I'm no good at.

I mean, I've ALWAYS feared I couldn't please a lover with just Miss Clitty alone, despite her girthyness, because she doesn't always last long. But I realize now that the only time I EVER had insecurities about my oral skills was the first time I did it, and those insecurities were very quickly quashed by the woman I did it to.

The first time I gave oral, I was 19, in Vernon, with an escort. She let me because I said I'd never done it before and wanted to try. Then almost immediately refused for a few minutes to believe I never had given oral before.THEN finally gave me my money back because she figured my giving her 8 orgasms in 7 minutes was more than enough payment.

So I guess I just from then on KNEW I was decent enough with my mouth. I don't THINK it. I actually 110% firmly KNOW it to be true. Because I have NEVER given a woman oral and NOT gotten a few "Oh my fucking god!" results.

So yes, dammit, I'm gonna brag. Because I'm Penny, my tongue is divine, my lips are ambrosia, and I WILL leave you a blissful gooey puddle if you let me. Because I'm THAT damned good. And with my confidence soaring post-op, I think it's well past time I had the confidence to BE confident.

I think I've earned the right to brag a little bit after four decades of being a carpet. Don't you agree?

9/04/2014

Fuck the Bigots and Haters, This is Who and What I am!

I have real, natural 48 F breasts. I did not buy them from a surgeon. There is no plastic, no silicon. I grew them when I turned twelve. I am very proud of my breasts, and very comfortable showing them off.

Yet TERFs will and have repeatedly claimed my being proud of my breasts and willingness to show them off, (because no cis woman has EVER done that or felt that EVER right?), is proof that I am a male crossdressing autogynophile. Despite the APA long ago discrediting Autogynophilia as even being an actual real thing. It doesn't exist. I DO.

I was born with a uterus and a penis. I was born with one testicle and one ovary. I recently had the testicle removed. I was born with a tiny vaginal opening that a doctor surgically destroyed and sealed up.

Yet TERFs, (none of whom are actual doctors or biology experts. NOT A GODDAMNED ONE), will shout in my face telling me "Intersex doesn't work that way liar! You're just a confused man!"

I have no sex drive. I rarely masturbate if at all, and prior to my recent surgery only to make unwanted erections go away. I don't date, I don't pursue anyone, I don't look for sex. I'm a Demisexual, meaning I can only even ENJOY sex if it's with someone I'm already emotionally connected to on a deeper level. I don't do one night stands or casual sex.

Yet TERFs inst I'm a "Pretendbian", that I'm a man crossdressing to con lesbians into hetero sex, to "trick" them into sexually interacting with a penis. Even though I NEVER ask or expect ANY of my sexual partners to even LOOK at it let alone touch it if they don't want to, and even though EVERY woman I have EVER had sex with knew EVERYTHING about my body going in and STILL chose to fuck me of THEIR OWN GODDAMN FREE WILL. But try telling TERFs that. To TERFs I'm just a rapist dressing in drag to trick poor unsuspecting lesbians into my bed so I can sexually assault with my evil penis.

Speaking of my penis, I still have it. This is not by choice. I still have it because a minor day surgery to remove a testicle can be done locally and all related expenses are fully covered by Pharmacare. Full SRS is an invasive surgery that in my state of physical health I would be highly unlikely to survive, cannot afford the non-surgical expenses, and cannot afford the airfare. Pharmacare pays ONLY for the SRS itself, not any travel or hospital costs outside of BC, And I would have to travel outside of BC to get it if I could find a doctor willing to ignore the likelihood of my not surviving the operation. So I long ago made peace with my penis. I'm stuck with it. It's permanent. I can either hate it and end up killing myself in dysmorphic despair, or I can accept it's just a body part and get the fuck over it. So I got over it. Besides, unless I'm aroused it looks like a normal cis female clitoris anyway.

Yet TERFs say that BECAUSE I accept my genital as is and made peace with them, it proves I'm not a real woman, because if I was really a woman NOTHING could make me accept having a penis, even though they don't think trans women who DO have SRS are "real" women either, and are thus directly contradicting themselves by saying so.

This. ALL of this. This is what I deal with EVERY FUCKING DAY. EVERY day TERFs and other transphobic assholes like MRAs attack who and what I am as a person, invalidate my body and my history, deny my personality and experience, and deem themselves more expert in who and what I really am than I myself am.

This is DAILY LIFE for me. And for so many other trans and intersexed women worldwide. This is the kind of derailing invalidating dehumanizing pure raw unadulterated HATRED we face every day just for EXISTING.

Go ahead, tell me I CHOSE to feel this way. Tell me I CHOSE to be a woman with boy parts because it just gets me horny. Tell me I CHOSE to live a life guaranteed to include the risk of being beaten to a pulp or even murdered every single day just by leaving my apartment.

Go on. Tell me that. I DARE you.

No one would EVER choose this. The only choice I ever made about my gender was to stop living in fear and denial and to just be who I really am.

I am a woman with factory extras I never asked for.

I am beautiful, strong, intelligent, compassionate and kind. I am selfless often to my own detriment. I only have sex with people I love and trust and feel safe with, and I HAVE no secrets about my body or who I am. I don't "trick or deceive" ANYONE. The women I've been with are not coerced or fooled or conned. They CHOSE to be with me. And they are not magically bi or straight for doing so, (unless they WERE bi to begin with). A lesbian who chooses to fuck me is still a lesbian because I AM A WOMAN.

I am NOT a crossdressing rapist. I am NOT a confused crossdresser. I am NOT a "Pretendbian". I am not ANY of the hateful transphobic narratives TERFs lob at my head every day.

I am Penny, hear me roar. And feel free to stare at my tits because FUCK the haters, my tits are EPIC.

8/28/2014

Why I "Feed the Trolls"

I'm frequently asked by friends both male and female, (who generally don't rock the boat or get involved in any kind of on or offline activism), why I don't just ignore trolls, why I "feed them" as it were.

I don't engage trolls to have any effect on the TROLLS. Unlike the trolls, I'm not an idiot. Whether it's an MRA being a sexist asshole, a TERF being an abusive transphobic twunt, a hyper conservative religious fundamentalist shitting on the chessboard, (500 points if you get the joke there), or just some juvenile loser being a douchebag for his own amusement, I KNOW that nothing I say or do will EVER, (barring one or two very rare exceptions), change the mind of the one trolling. I'm fully aware that nothing I say, no matter how rational, logical, factual and reasonable, will change what the trolls believe or make them stop being a dick.

I challenge them for the ones watching. The observers who aren't commenting but just reading. The ones who are sitting on the fence, who aren't well-versed or informed on the subject. When I see a troll spreading hateful lies and bullshit an uninformed fence sitter might mistake as fact, I call the troll out and rebuke their bullshit with facts. I tell the factual truth to counter their lies. I explain what feminism actually is, what misogyny means, who trans people actually are and the medical science behind it, and why a religious belief has no business dictating secular laws.

And I do it for the ones reading the exchange, who will see one person being a jerkass and see me calmly dissecting their claims, and hopefully learn both the truth from me, and how to spot a troll spreading hateful dishonesty.

And I know it works because I honestly cannot even COUNT how many times over the past nigh two decades someone has told me how informative I was and how much they learned that they didn't know before from reading my replies to trolls.

I engage the trolls so I can teach the audience. And it works. And if by responding trolls with facts and truth I can educate some good if naive people away from the hate and ignorance, then it's worth the abuse I have to wade through from the trolls to do it.

8/01/2014

Why Cathy Brennan and her TERFs are, in fact, TERRORISTS

Terrorist.
ter·ror·ist [TEAR-er-ist] noun
1. a person, usually a member of a group, who uses or advocates terrorism.
2. a person who terrorizes or frightens others.

Terrorism.
ter·ror·ism [TEAR-uh-riz-uhm] noun
1. the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.
2. the state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.

Terrorize.
ter·ror·ize [TEAR-er-rise] verb (used with object, ter·ror·ized, ter·ror·iz·ing.)
1. to fill or overcome with terror.
2. to dominate or coerce by intimidation.

Read these definitions. And then read these quotes.  (Source; TERF Quotes)

TERF Activist and blooger Bev Jo: "They expect we’ll be shocked to see statistics about them being killed, and don’t realize, some of us wish they would ALL be dead."

TERF Blogger Luckynkl: "The male-born are biologically incomplete mutants, useless and obsolete; walking viruses on two legs and a cancer, spreading disease, death and destruction wherever they go. They are the walking-dead and the antithesis to life. Gyn-energy sucking vampires who have to plug into women and feed on them in order to survive. No different than a parasite who sucks the life and energy out of its host."

TERF Blogger Bonobabe: "Personally, I think we should do away with circumcision and replace it with castration."

TERF Blogger WhiteTiger: "If we’re going that road, why not just cull boy babies for awhile? Re-establish a sane balance. Then we can start selective breeding programs for donor males…" [To cull means to reduce the population of by selective slaughter.]

TERF Blogger JourneyMistress: "It might be well and good to “educate” them [males] but that seems to take decades. Only if you are dedicated to educating the Terminally Stupid should you embark on this…Detachment is the key to emotional survival in a world plagued by males. Otherwise you really do just want to shoot them on sight."

I'd paste more from TERFQuotes but I'm already nauseous just from those. If you have the stomach, click the link for more.

Other examples of TERF terrorism include fallout from having a conference cancelled in London once the venue owners realized the message the TERFs were promoting.

On that page you'll see TERF leader Cathy "Bug" Brennan engage in blatant terrorist tactics by trying to incite fear against trans women, ally men and women, and generally ANYONE contradicting her, including calling trans women "all men", and calling an enlightened young man a "rapist" for "violating her boundaries" by simply replying to her PUBLICLY POSTED HATE TWEETS.

Here, from Rational Wiki, is a collection of examples of Cathy Brennan's terrorist campaigns against Trans Women.

One example from that page; "The Pacific Justice Institute (PJI) is the ex-gay organization that stirred up the right wing world by claiming that a trans kid (whom we will refer to as Jane Doe, for reasons of privacy) in Colorado was harassing cisgender girls in the restrooms. Right wing media outlets jumped at the story without conducting any fact-checking, prompting members of the right wing community to call for the death of the trans kid. Cathy Brennan's Gender Identity Watch site jumped in to help the PJI attack the trans teen. The Pacific Justice Institute claims that "a male student, NAME CENSORED, who claims to be transgender, has allegedly harassed female students in the girls room at Florence High School." Even after Brennan learned that the teen was on suicide watch, she has left the teen's real name on her blog as well as updating it recently."

Here, Bitch Media examines the harm and hypocrisy of Brennan's tactics.

I could go on, but I think I've made my point.

One doesn't need to Strap on a bomb vest or fly a plane into a building to be a terrorist. One only needs to actively engage in campaigns of fearmongering to knowingly and intentionally incite a higher risk of violence against your chosen target. Like a KKK Grand Wizard never had to dirty his own hands with the blood of black folks because he incited other more gullible people into such fear and rage that they'd go do it for him, Brennan and her TERFs, however few they are, are doing that exact very thing; Appealing to the fears of gullible people with the intentional and malicious goal of getting trans women hurt or even murdered, while smugly believing their own hands are clean.

Now go back up to the top of the page, and reread those definitions.

And then tell me Brennan and her TERFs are not Terrorists in the purist definition of the word.

Click here to sign a petition to have Brennan's group Gender Identity Watch classified officially as a hate group.

7/31/2014

Arguing with Cathy Brennan 101

Prominent TERF Hatemonger Cathy Brennan being herself.


Trans Woman; Your statements are ignorant hateful bigotry with no basis in fact.

Brennen; You're a man and a bigot and a racist and I speak for all cis women and lesbians. Also, cis doesn't exist.

Trans Woman; No, you speak fot yourself and your followers only. Cis DOES exist. And exactly how am I racist for pointing out that you're a liar and a bigot?

Cathy Brennan; Stop trying to erase me and replace me with a pink monkey!

Trans Woman: Pink monkey? The hell? When did I ever mention monkeys?

Cathy Brennan; See! You cussed! You're clearly a violernt rapist and want to harm me! I feel threatened!

Trans woman: Wait what? Where did that even come from? I haven't threatened you in ANY way!

Cathy Brennan: Well I'm blocking you now. I've proven you're a violent rapist planning to replace all women with unnaturally coloured primates and EVERYONE can see I'm right. I must now block you for my own safety because you clearly want to rape me. Repeatedly. For weeks on end. Later Mister Pretendbian.

Trans Woman; ............................................................ um............................... what just happened here?

7/28/2014

A Rebuttal To Errors In Michelle Goldberg's Gender Article For The New Yorker

The Article in question

I have a very huge problem with this article; It's claim that there is documented proof on Twitter and Tumblr that Trans Women regularly and routinely threaten TERFs with grievous bodily harm and even death. The author of the piece unintentionally admits as much by pointing out that it is TERFs cataloging all these threats.

Except no, they aren't. They're INVENTING threats.The supposed "Documentation" on TERF websites? Yeah those are almost all made up. TERFs create sock accounts and fake blogs and literally threaten themselves so they can have "proof" to point to about what violent confused men we all are. And the few cases where a screenshot IS of an actual trans woman? ALWAYS taken out of context. TERFs find trans women on Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook, harass, goad and verbally assault us relentlessly, until in angry frustration we say something to blow off steam, such as "Oh go die in a fire already". The problem is that they screencao and document ONLY the Blowing-Off-Of-Steam, and NOTHING else. Taken so drastically out of context? Of COURSE it looks to the uninformed observer like Trans women are "threatening TERFs with violence". But IN context, viewing the entire exchange in question, the truth always comes out.

There is only ONE proven documented incident of a Trans Woman wishing violence upon TERFs unprovoked, and that was a blogger on Bilerico simply saying she wouldn't lose any sleep if TERFs were all suddenly dead. And after YEARS of abuse and hate from TERFs, it's perfectly understandable why she feels that way.

But the rest? No. EVERY other TERF claim and "evidence" of threats by Trans Women has crumbled under scrutiny. Trans Women are NOT threats in any tangible way to TERFs except Idealistically. A trans woman venting in anger after ceaseless harassment is NOT an actual valid threat of bodily harm. Outing trans women and intentionally putting them in harm's way IS.

TERFs are a DIRECT threat to Trans Women. They Doxx us, outing private pre-transition info that directly puts many trans women in immediate danger of being fired, evicted, beaten, or even MURDERED.

No. This is NOT a "two sides to a story" issue, and there is no "it goes both ways" here. TERFs are the aggressors, Trans Women their targets. And TERFs will not stop until we cease to exist.

We aren't trying to erase their existence. THEY are trying to erase OURS.

References;

Actual quotes from TERF activists online

How TERFs find their "evidence"

Proof of TERFs using Cis Privilege and Doxxing to silence and bully trans women who document their tactics