A quick and easy refresher course on my beliefs for anyone who may care, given how uppity I've been this weekend since the TS-Si business began.
About the Trinity Of Hedon.
I: Reviving Hedon
II: Where Hedon Was
III: Precepts & Tenets
IV: Other Matters
V: On Other Faiths
VI: Our Hildays
VII: The Circle Binding
No belief in my Goddess or her aspects is obligatory to believe that the Hedon way of life is a good, tolerant and loving way to live.
You are of course welcome to think I'm completely nuts, but if so please just move on. No Hate Needed.
5/02/2010
In Reply to Anonymous and Leigh
(Blogger is fucking up and refuses to publish this as a comment, on my own blog no less, and so I'm posting it as a new entry altogether)
Funny how the comment calling me a spoiled child for speaking the TRUTH was left Anonymously. I think that answers itself. Someone who lacks the courage to back up such a childish statement obviously has no valid rebuttal to my stance. For the record, the only way to get that comment posted would have been to remove the painfully accurate comparison of Evangelina and Josephine's garbage to what LaBarbera spouts on his website. If you change a few names and pronouns here and there, they are INTERCHANGABLE. The message here was "Stop pointing out things that prove our bigotry that we can't out-debate and we'll let your neutered post through so we can retain our delusions of superiority". You'll notice that the anonymous comment is utter crap directly attacking me without arguing any validity or logic, just being snide for snide's sake and I have left it completely intact. TS-Si lacked that conviction and in so doing proved their real stance. They are in fact, an elitist hate site.
As for Leigh, well, you've completely missed the point dear. I am NOT defending Transvestites/crossdressers claiming to be transsexual. I am drawing a line between tv/cd's and NON-OP Transsexuals LIKE Autumn. I do not personally hate TV/CD's, and I DO in fact dislike those among them who try to blur the line, as my blog entry from October titled "Transformations" clearly shows. My problem is with elitist post-ops basically lumping all who still have a penis together. Autumn Sandeen is NOT a transvestite or a crossdresser. She does NOT identify as a man. Crossdressers and Transvestites dress for sexual fetishism and do not do so 24/7, and except for those who are actuall transsexuals taking their first steps TOWARD being full-time, do not identify AS women. Autumn Sandeen DOES Identify as a woman. Full Time. Unlike most crossdressers (except for parties) Autumn goes out every day in public looking feminine, risking violence. A crossdresser can take off all his clothes and go back to blending in just fine as a man, a trans woman is never comfortable in masculinity.
The desire and will towards SRS is NOT the one lone and sole marker of being a transsexual. It is as I have stated, a TREATMENT. Getting SRS does not cure you, you will STILL be XY afterwards. You will be every bit as much a woman in your heart, mind and soul as you were before SRS, but you will always be physically male. The ONLY reason for one to believe in SRS as the end-all be-all cure is insecurity in your own identity. SRS is a viuable treatment. If it wasn't for the fact it'll kill me I'd happily get my genitals fixed, but NOT because I think it will somehow magically make me more real as a woman. I'm ALREADY a "real" woman. I just happen to not like having a penis. To meet it feels wrong, to ME, Personally. This does NOT automatically mean I think someone who can shrug it off is less a woman than me. It is JUST A LUMP OF FLESH. It does NOT define me nor anyone else. And for the record Leigh, you don't have to be Trans in ANY way to appreciate hurtful misgendering. I know lots of effeminate but heterosexual men who flip out when called She, and lots of androgynous women who are deeply hurt when called sir. Gender is very much NOT as black & white as the staff of TS-Si wish to believe. They ARE infact saying Non-ops don't count by immediately dismissing ANY Trans woman with no need or desire for SRS as a transvestive/Crossdresser. As a MAN IN A DRESS. An insult I know they have heard personally and been hurt by. That they can do thisd and insist there is no bigotry involved, and while forgetting everything they endured to reach where they are now, is appalling. I'm happy you got your SRS 25 years ago Leigh, but it did not MAKE you a woman, you have always BEEN a woman, and still would be now even if SRS had never been pheasible for you. And I'm glad Autumn will stand up for our issues even if I disagree with her methods sometimes, because women like you and the staff of TS-Si certainly aren't lifting a finger to fight for our rights. You seem to think SRS cured you and now you're just ordinary women and could care less about those of us still struggling for acceptance. So if YOU won't stand up for Trans rights, SOMEONE has to. It may as well be Autumn, she certainly has a lot more character than women like "Josephine". Josephine spouts clearly hateful bile behind a childish and mildly homophobic nom de plume. Autumn gracefully and with class rebuked that bile without lowering herself to it using the name on her ID.
I'm sorry but those are the facts, and TS-Si remains in the wrong. Attacking me like spoiled children for saying so bluntly will not make them any less wrong Anonymous. And Leigh, thank you for a mature reply even though we disagree, I hope you think seriously on what I've said.
Funny how the comment calling me a spoiled child for speaking the TRUTH was left Anonymously. I think that answers itself. Someone who lacks the courage to back up such a childish statement obviously has no valid rebuttal to my stance. For the record, the only way to get that comment posted would have been to remove the painfully accurate comparison of Evangelina and Josephine's garbage to what LaBarbera spouts on his website. If you change a few names and pronouns here and there, they are INTERCHANGABLE. The message here was "Stop pointing out things that prove our bigotry that we can't out-debate and we'll let your neutered post through so we can retain our delusions of superiority". You'll notice that the anonymous comment is utter crap directly attacking me without arguing any validity or logic, just being snide for snide's sake and I have left it completely intact. TS-Si lacked that conviction and in so doing proved their real stance. They are in fact, an elitist hate site.
As for Leigh, well, you've completely missed the point dear. I am NOT defending Transvestites/crossdressers claiming to be transsexual. I am drawing a line between tv/cd's and NON-OP Transsexuals LIKE Autumn. I do not personally hate TV/CD's, and I DO in fact dislike those among them who try to blur the line, as my blog entry from October titled "Transformations" clearly shows. My problem is with elitist post-ops basically lumping all who still have a penis together. Autumn Sandeen is NOT a transvestite or a crossdresser. She does NOT identify as a man. Crossdressers and Transvestites dress for sexual fetishism and do not do so 24/7, and except for those who are actuall transsexuals taking their first steps TOWARD being full-time, do not identify AS women. Autumn Sandeen DOES Identify as a woman. Full Time. Unlike most crossdressers (except for parties) Autumn goes out every day in public looking feminine, risking violence. A crossdresser can take off all his clothes and go back to blending in just fine as a man, a trans woman is never comfortable in masculinity.
The desire and will towards SRS is NOT the one lone and sole marker of being a transsexual. It is as I have stated, a TREATMENT. Getting SRS does not cure you, you will STILL be XY afterwards. You will be every bit as much a woman in your heart, mind and soul as you were before SRS, but you will always be physically male. The ONLY reason for one to believe in SRS as the end-all be-all cure is insecurity in your own identity. SRS is a viuable treatment. If it wasn't for the fact it'll kill me I'd happily get my genitals fixed, but NOT because I think it will somehow magically make me more real as a woman. I'm ALREADY a "real" woman. I just happen to not like having a penis. To meet it feels wrong, to ME, Personally. This does NOT automatically mean I think someone who can shrug it off is less a woman than me. It is JUST A LUMP OF FLESH. It does NOT define me nor anyone else. And for the record Leigh, you don't have to be Trans in ANY way to appreciate hurtful misgendering. I know lots of effeminate but heterosexual men who flip out when called She, and lots of androgynous women who are deeply hurt when called sir. Gender is very much NOT as black & white as the staff of TS-Si wish to believe. They ARE infact saying Non-ops don't count by immediately dismissing ANY Trans woman with no need or desire for SRS as a transvestive/Crossdresser. As a MAN IN A DRESS. An insult I know they have heard personally and been hurt by. That they can do thisd and insist there is no bigotry involved, and while forgetting everything they endured to reach where they are now, is appalling. I'm happy you got your SRS 25 years ago Leigh, but it did not MAKE you a woman, you have always BEEN a woman, and still would be now even if SRS had never been pheasible for you. And I'm glad Autumn will stand up for our issues even if I disagree with her methods sometimes, because women like you and the staff of TS-Si certainly aren't lifting a finger to fight for our rights. You seem to think SRS cured you and now you're just ordinary women and could care less about those of us still struggling for acceptance. So if YOU won't stand up for Trans rights, SOMEONE has to. It may as well be Autumn, she certainly has a lot more character than women like "Josephine". Josephine spouts clearly hateful bile behind a childish and mildly homophobic nom de plume. Autumn gracefully and with class rebuked that bile without lowering herself to it using the name on her ID.
I'm sorry but those are the facts, and TS-Si remains in the wrong. Attacking me like spoiled children for saying so bluntly will not make them any less wrong Anonymous. And Leigh, thank you for a mature reply even though we disagree, I hope you think seriously on what I've said.
5/01/2010
T-Si Censors Me In Pure Cowardice
And Ironically in doing so completely validates the argument I put forth in my last blog entry.
This is the text of the e-mail the T-Si site owner sent me. It includes the full text of the comment of mine that she deleted and the supposed TOS violations she claims justify the censorship. Decide for yourselves.
***********************************************
> Penny,
>
>
>
> Your comment on TS-Si.org, posted to "Autumn
>
> ns> Sandeen (did not) Die For Your Sins", located at
> http://ts-si.org/guest-columns/24747-autumn-sandeen-did-not-die-
> for-your-sin
> s,
>
> has been placed on moderation pending resolution of Terms of Usage
> Violations. The comment was posted at 2010-04-30 18:36:17 under
> the title
> "Evangelia, you just proved my point for me."
>
>
>
> The comment text contains excessively personal attacks, invidious
> comparisons, and potentially libelous statements. Please
> consider revising
> the text and resubmitting it at your convenience. For
> convenience, we have
> included (below) your original text and our terms.
>
>
>
> Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.
>
>
>
> Sharon S. Gaughan
>
> TS-Si Co-Founder, VP & Executive Director
>
> Managing Editor, TS-Si.org
>
>
>
>
>
> ORIGINAL COMMENT TEXT
>
>
>
> "Evangelia, you just proved my point for me." By Penny
> Sautereau-Fife
>
>
>
> You just sounded EXACTLY like every Christian, Republican, Rad-
> Fem hate
> blogger justifying their bigotry. A bigot never THINKS they're a
> bigot no
> matter how many people say otherwise. And as I have not attacked
> you, only
> your behavior, your sudden shift into subtly being derogatory
> towards me
> personally is even more telling. You are in fact, being very
> much a bigot by
> insisting stubbornly to misgender Autumn and adamantly refusing
> to change
> such hatemongering unless Autumn changes to conform to what YOU
> believe. But
> no, you're not bigoted at all are you. Just like a Christian
> vehementlycondemning homosexuality isn't being a bigot because
> gee gosh, they're
> attacking the SIN of homosexuality, not the homosexuals themselves!
>
>
>
> Like it or not your words just now have effectively proven me
> right. Change
> a few names here and there and that reply could have as easily
> been one of
> Matt Barber or Peter LaBarbera's anti-gay rants.
>
>
>
> You believe whatever you like personally about Autumn, but as
> long as you
> repeatedly, wilfully and intentionally misgender her and justify with
> euphemisms, backpedalling and frankly, utter double-talking hair-
> splittingbullshit to swear up and down you're not being hateful
> towards her, you
> cannot fairly expect anyone to take you yourself seriously. I
> could very
> easily play the "I have a uterus so I'm more real than you"
> card, but I
> don't. Because I am not a bigot. If you say you live full-time
> 24/7 as a
> woman, I accept that because it's how you identify yourself.
> Your genitals,
> whatever they might be, are none of my damned business, and even
> if you told
> me every 5 minutes what's in your pants well, it may make
> me sick of you as
> a person, but I won't call you sir because it annoys me. Autumn lives
> full-time in a female role. She does not do this for sexual
> gratification.She risks violence every time she leaves the
> house. That would not change if
> she got srs. srs is NOT the cure to transsexuality, it is simply
> one of the
> possible treatments. Autumn identifies as female. THAT is what
> you and
> Josephine keep attacking. You point out her tactics, character
> flaws and
> issues as secondary to what offends you most, her lack of SRS.
> THAT is my
> issue with you. THAT is bigotry and hatemongering. You misgender
> her out of
> your personal biases, and any valid points you have about
> Autumn's other bs
> is immediately rendered secondary and pointless. Even if Autumn
> did get SRS,
> her character flaws would still be there. What would be your
> excuse then?
> Would your complaint become then "You got your pussy now shut up
> and go
> stealth like the rest of us"?
>
>
>
> Not that I expect you to get it. I've read all you and J's rebuttals.
> Between pseudo-babble and snide condescending dismissals, you
> think you're
> defending yourselves against my points but in fact just proving
> them. I've
> dissected every tripe argument you throw at me, you're still
> dodging the
> root issue.
>
>
>
> The presentation of your criticisms of Autumn's behavior,
> however valid in
> point, is rendered null by the clear and blatant bigotry and
> hatred you're
> displaying. You are doing to her something you personally know
> hurts deeply
> because it's likely been done to you and hurt you. That above
> all else is my
> biggest issues with this garbage. You KNOW you're being hurtful
> and instead
> of apologising and focusing on Autumn's self-serving behavior,
> you instead
> go the right-wing asshole route of trying to explain why your
> clear bigotry
> isn't really bigotry.
>
>
>
> Try again. This time use the brain you clearly posess and look
> at my points
> instead of dismissing them so you don't have to admit you fucked up.
>
>
>
>
>
> ^^^^^^^^^^
>
>
>
> TERMS OF USE: TS-Si.org
>
>
>
> TS-Si welcomes responsible comments.
>
>
>
> We encourage lively, open debate, but ask that you show respect
> for others.
> We often publish material that presents challenges and insights
> worthy of
> extended discussion. This can be done with emotional maturity and
> intelligence.
>
>
>
> Before commenting on an article, please read it thoroughly and
> stay on
> topic. Address the issues without presumptions about the
> author(s) or other
> persons.
>
>
>
> We reserve the right to remove a comment that is off-topic, abusive,
> exceptionally incoherent, libelous, mysogonist, phobic, profane, or
> otherwise inappropriate.
>
>
>
> By submitting your comments we reserve the right, at our sole
> discretion, to
> change, modify, add, or delete your comments at any time without
> furthernotice. Some comments may be reprinted elsewhere in the site.
>
>
>
> The previously mentioned abuses and/or any attempt to post a
> solicitationsand/or advertising, flood, spam, or otherwise
> disrupt TS-Si.org operations
> are subject to further sanctions.
>
>
>
> All comments input into the TS-Si.org comment facility are
> copyrighted by
> TS-Si, Inc. These Terms of Use are subject to modification at
> any time and
> at our discretion.
****************************************************************
If you read through the comments section on the original offending article here, you will see many comments that contain more direct personal attacks than anything I said, including the last comment by Evangelina which my "offending comment" was a reply TO. Again, judge for yourself. Unlike SOME people, I'm not afraid to risk being disagreed with, as I have the figurative balls to stand by any point I make, and the strength to admit when I'm proven to be misguided or outright mistaken. Sadly the staff of T-Si seems to not share that particular moral fibre. I'm FAR from perfect, but I'm no coward.
This is the text of the e-mail the T-Si site owner sent me. It includes the full text of the comment of mine that she deleted and the supposed TOS violations she claims justify the censorship. Decide for yourselves.
***********************************************
> Penny,
>
>
>
> Your comment on TS-Si.org, posted to "Autumn
>
> ns> Sandeen (did not) Die For Your Sins", located at
> http://ts-si.org/guest-columns/24747-autumn-sandeen-did-not-die-
> for-your-sin
> s,
>
> has been placed on moderation pending resolution of Terms of Usage
> Violations. The comment was posted at 2010-04-30 18:36:17 under
> the title
> "Evangelia, you just proved my point for me."
>
>
>
> The comment text contains excessively personal attacks, invidious
> comparisons, and potentially libelous statements. Please
> consider revising
> the text and resubmitting it at your convenience. For
> convenience, we have
> included (below) your original text and our terms.
>
>
>
> Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.
>
>
>
> Sharon S. Gaughan
>
> TS-Si Co-Founder, VP & Executive Director
>
> Managing Editor, TS-Si.org
>
>
>
>
>
> ORIGINAL COMMENT TEXT
>
>
>
> "Evangelia, you just proved my point for me." By Penny
> Sautereau-Fife
>
>
>
> You just sounded EXACTLY like every Christian, Republican, Rad-
> Fem hate
> blogger justifying their bigotry. A bigot never THINKS they're a
> bigot no
> matter how many people say otherwise. And as I have not attacked
> you, only
> your behavior, your sudden shift into subtly being derogatory
> towards me
> personally is even more telling. You are in fact, being very
> much a bigot by
> insisting stubbornly to misgender Autumn and adamantly refusing
> to change
> such hatemongering unless Autumn changes to conform to what YOU
> believe. But
> no, you're not bigoted at all are you. Just like a Christian
> vehementlycondemning homosexuality isn't being a bigot because
> gee gosh, they're
> attacking the SIN of homosexuality, not the homosexuals themselves!
>
>
>
> Like it or not your words just now have effectively proven me
> right. Change
> a few names here and there and that reply could have as easily
> been one of
> Matt Barber or Peter LaBarbera's anti-gay rants.
>
>
>
> You believe whatever you like personally about Autumn, but as
> long as you
> repeatedly, wilfully and intentionally misgender her and justify with
> euphemisms, backpedalling and frankly, utter double-talking hair-
> splittingbullshit to swear up and down you're not being hateful
> towards her, you
> cannot fairly expect anyone to take you yourself seriously. I
> could very
> easily play the "I have a uterus so I'm more real than you"
> card, but I
> don't. Because I am not a bigot. If you say you live full-time
> 24/7 as a
> woman, I accept that because it's how you identify yourself.
> Your genitals,
> whatever they might be, are none of my damned business, and even
> if you told
> me every 5 minutes what's in your pants well, it may make
> me sick of you as
> a person, but I won't call you sir because it annoys me. Autumn lives
> full-time in a female role. She does not do this for sexual
> gratification.She risks violence every time she leaves the
> house. That would not change if
> she got srs. srs is NOT the cure to transsexuality, it is simply
> one of the
> possible treatments. Autumn identifies as female. THAT is what
> you and
> Josephine keep attacking. You point out her tactics, character
> flaws and
> issues as secondary to what offends you most, her lack of SRS.
> THAT is my
> issue with you. THAT is bigotry and hatemongering. You misgender
> her out of
> your personal biases, and any valid points you have about
> Autumn's other bs
> is immediately rendered secondary and pointless. Even if Autumn
> did get SRS,
> her character flaws would still be there. What would be your
> excuse then?
> Would your complaint become then "You got your pussy now shut up
> and go
> stealth like the rest of us"?
>
>
>
> Not that I expect you to get it. I've read all you and J's rebuttals.
> Between pseudo-babble and snide condescending dismissals, you
> think you're
> defending yourselves against my points but in fact just proving
> them. I've
> dissected every tripe argument you throw at me, you're still
> dodging the
> root issue.
>
>
>
> The presentation of your criticisms of Autumn's behavior,
> however valid in
> point, is rendered null by the clear and blatant bigotry and
> hatred you're
> displaying. You are doing to her something you personally know
> hurts deeply
> because it's likely been done to you and hurt you. That above
> all else is my
> biggest issues with this garbage. You KNOW you're being hurtful
> and instead
> of apologising and focusing on Autumn's self-serving behavior,
> you instead
> go the right-wing asshole route of trying to explain why your
> clear bigotry
> isn't really bigotry.
>
>
>
> Try again. This time use the brain you clearly posess and look
> at my points
> instead of dismissing them so you don't have to admit you fucked up.
>
>
>
>
>
> ^^^^^^^^^^
>
>
>
> TERMS OF USE: TS-Si.org
>
>
>
> TS-Si welcomes responsible comments.
>
>
>
> We encourage lively, open debate, but ask that you show respect
> for others.
> We often publish material that presents challenges and insights
> worthy of
> extended discussion. This can be done with emotional maturity and
> intelligence.
>
>
>
> Before commenting on an article, please read it thoroughly and
> stay on
> topic. Address the issues without presumptions about the
> author(s) or other
> persons.
>
>
>
> We reserve the right to remove a comment that is off-topic, abusive,
> exceptionally incoherent, libelous, mysogonist, phobic, profane, or
> otherwise inappropriate.
>
>
>
> By submitting your comments we reserve the right, at our sole
> discretion, to
> change, modify, add, or delete your comments at any time without
> furthernotice. Some comments may be reprinted elsewhere in the site.
>
>
>
> The previously mentioned abuses and/or any attempt to post a
> solicitationsand/or advertising, flood, spam, or otherwise
> disrupt TS-Si.org operations
> are subject to further sanctions.
>
>
>
> All comments input into the TS-Si.org comment facility are
> copyrighted by
> TS-Si, Inc. These Terms of Use are subject to modification at
> any time and
> at our discretion.
****************************************************************
If you read through the comments section on the original offending article here, you will see many comments that contain more direct personal attacks than anything I said, including the last comment by Evangelina which my "offending comment" was a reply TO. Again, judge for yourself. Unlike SOME people, I'm not afraid to risk being disagreed with, as I have the figurative balls to stand by any point I make, and the strength to admit when I'm proven to be misguided or outright mistaken. Sadly the staff of T-Si seems to not share that particular moral fibre. I'm FAR from perfect, but I'm no coward.
4/28/2010
Hate Is In Every Group
Today I read such bile.
Of course I read bile every day. Most of it from hateful Christian extremists, Tea-Partiers, Republicans, trans-hating redfems, etc. spouting their various hate-which-isn't-REALLY-hate-honest! crap we all know and loathe. THAT bile particularly bothered me. The author of that piece of tripe is a post-op transsexual woman with a very clear high-horse complex and very strong mad-on for and trans status that is not identical to her own. Sadly, this is very common.
There are a lot of post-op trans women who are intensely and vehemently bigoted against trans women who still have their penises. Any trans woman who has not yet gotten the Lopitoffame is in their eyes still not yet a real woman. This belief is held with a complete black hole of obliviousness to the irony of radfems who say the same thing about post-ops.
This hatred of pre-ops is ESPECIALLY vehement in the case of non-ops. non-ops are trans-woman who, either by personal choice or by medical reasoning cannot or will not get the final operation.
Women like "Josephine" revel in misgendering non-ops and belittling them in the same way much of society does to them. To post-ops of "Josephine's" type, and woman with a penis who cannot or will not get SRS is just a transvestite, a crossdresser, a fetishist. Trust me, the is a WORLD of difference between tv/cd's and non-op transsexuals.
Now there are plenty of post-op women who have absolutely no issues whatsoever with non-ops. Kate Bornstein and Gwendolyn Anne-Smith for example, two women I'm proud to call friends of mine, not only do NOT hate on non-ops, they publicly speak out in favor of full equality and acceptance of gender variance. Women like "Josephine" however have this bitter bigotry towards Non-ops, and I honestly believe it's because they're externalizing their own still-existing deep seeded repression that they thought SRS would magically fix.
A lot of transsexuals focus WAY to much on SRS as what it is NOT instead of what it IS. SRS is a STEP on the path of a trans woman's life. For those who need it to feel more comfortable in their bodies, it's an important and invaluable step, but still only a step. It doesn't change your chromasomes or give you a womb so to many people you're no more a woman than you were before it. Life continues past SRS with many more new challenges to overcome, ups and downs, losses and wins, angels and ends, yadda yadda. For those who do need SRS, passing that milestone certainly helps them find the strength to continue down their path in life. Life doesn't end with SRS.
What SRS is NOT is a magic cure all for everything that's wrong with you. If you had clinical depression before SRS, chances are you'll still have it afterwards. If you were sexually repressed before it, you likely won't be much less so after. If you had low self-esteem beforehand, well, you'd be surprised how little SRS actually dents that.
Women like Josephine are the ones who treated SRS as that magic cure all, that holy grail that would magically fix everything wrong in their lives. The ones who thought having a vagina would make everyone accept them as a real woman, and that they'd stop receiving transphobic bigotry. They can't accept that SRS didn't make EVERYTHING perfect, something else must be wrong.
So they turn their own insecure failings they thought SRS would chase away and turn it against those they see as lesser. They forget that when they were pre-op they felt every bit as much a woman as they do post-op, and they basically misgender and invalidate their own life history by insisting anyone who hasn't gotten srs yet is less real than they are. It's a classic feel-good-at-the-expense-of-others tactic.
It also has to do with sex. A LOT of Trans women buy into the rad fem bullshit that if you're trans, you're not allowed to enjoy sex if you're pre-op. Because in their backwards logic, real women don't enjoy sex unless they're sluts, and since sluts are subhuman in the eyes of radfems, any trans woman who likes sex is a slut by default and therefore represents only the "worst degrading stereotypes of what a real woman is". Well I'm sorry but fuck that. My wife is a cis woman who loves sex and is certainly no slut since I'm her only sex partner right now, but really, a slut is a name tight-assed people give to people they're jealous of. A slut is someone who is happier than they are doing something they deny themselves.
My friend Danielle Foxxx is Post-op. She loved sex when she was pre-op and she loves it now. The only thing SRS changed for her was it made her feel more comfortable with her body image and it changed the technical aspects of how she fucks.
Some non-ops like me, (Granted I'm an intersexed femal, with female chromosomes and a uterus, but to most people since I have a penis I may as well be trans), are non-op only because something medical prevents surgey. In my case a blood disorder means invasive surgery will kill me. Women like me then have to learn to make peace with the bodies we have in conjunction with who we are as women, a traumatizing journey made all the more difficult by the shallow post-ops joining the chorus of hate telling us we'll NEVER count.
Others however, CHOOSE to be non-op for various reasons. Some don't have the obsession with genitals that "Josephine" does. They don't link bodyparts to identity with the same narrow paintbrush that others do, where what's in your panties is the sole condition to determining what you ARE. These non-ops Are comfortable enough in their identity that they don't need SRS to "prove" anything. They look at it clinically and weigh what SRS gains them compared to what it takes away and they make the difficult choice to live as women with a penis. others simply don't accept gender as a rigid two-sided construct that must never stray from either/or.
The main problem for post-ops like "Josephine" is that they want to hide, to blend in, to just be a woman and forget/bury/ignore all the hardships they survived to get where they are. They hate that all these lesser people who DARE to be *gasp* HAPPY with what they are and comfortable with themselves physically, emotionally and sexually, keeping drawing uncomfortable attention to trans issues by being uppity little bitches telling people about trans issues! How dare they???
So any grief they get for being trans as post-op women is the fault of all these lippy mouth men in dresses, because they're really real women now, why would anyone have a problem with them?
I dearly wish all post-ops could be like Kate or Gwen or Danielle. Sadly I've met WAY too many Josephines. If you actually know Gwen, ask her about Dianne some day. OHHHH has Gwen got stories for you!
Post-op does not make you any more or less a woman than any cis woman or pre-op trans-women. Nor do the clothes you wear. The ONLY thing that makes you a woman is your mind and heart and soul. Some people need surgeries to be more at peace with the BODY, but womanhood is in the soul. Don't step on those who found peace on a different path than yours.
If we all found peace on the exact same path it'd be a goddamned crowded picnic, and I can't afford to bring enough beer to get you drunk enough to stop hating yourself so much you need to shit on me.
Of course I read bile every day. Most of it from hateful Christian extremists, Tea-Partiers, Republicans, trans-hating redfems, etc. spouting their various hate-which-isn't-REALLY-hate-honest! crap we all know and loathe. THAT bile particularly bothered me. The author of that piece of tripe is a post-op transsexual woman with a very clear high-horse complex and very strong mad-on for and trans status that is not identical to her own. Sadly, this is very common.
There are a lot of post-op trans women who are intensely and vehemently bigoted against trans women who still have their penises. Any trans woman who has not yet gotten the Lopitoffame is in their eyes still not yet a real woman. This belief is held with a complete black hole of obliviousness to the irony of radfems who say the same thing about post-ops.
This hatred of pre-ops is ESPECIALLY vehement in the case of non-ops. non-ops are trans-woman who, either by personal choice or by medical reasoning cannot or will not get the final operation.
Women like "Josephine" revel in misgendering non-ops and belittling them in the same way much of society does to them. To post-ops of "Josephine's" type, and woman with a penis who cannot or will not get SRS is just a transvestite, a crossdresser, a fetishist. Trust me, the is a WORLD of difference between tv/cd's and non-op transsexuals.
Now there are plenty of post-op women who have absolutely no issues whatsoever with non-ops. Kate Bornstein and Gwendolyn Anne-Smith for example, two women I'm proud to call friends of mine, not only do NOT hate on non-ops, they publicly speak out in favor of full equality and acceptance of gender variance. Women like "Josephine" however have this bitter bigotry towards Non-ops, and I honestly believe it's because they're externalizing their own still-existing deep seeded repression that they thought SRS would magically fix.
A lot of transsexuals focus WAY to much on SRS as what it is NOT instead of what it IS. SRS is a STEP on the path of a trans woman's life. For those who need it to feel more comfortable in their bodies, it's an important and invaluable step, but still only a step. It doesn't change your chromasomes or give you a womb so to many people you're no more a woman than you were before it. Life continues past SRS with many more new challenges to overcome, ups and downs, losses and wins, angels and ends, yadda yadda. For those who do need SRS, passing that milestone certainly helps them find the strength to continue down their path in life. Life doesn't end with SRS.
What SRS is NOT is a magic cure all for everything that's wrong with you. If you had clinical depression before SRS, chances are you'll still have it afterwards. If you were sexually repressed before it, you likely won't be much less so after. If you had low self-esteem beforehand, well, you'd be surprised how little SRS actually dents that.
Women like Josephine are the ones who treated SRS as that magic cure all, that holy grail that would magically fix everything wrong in their lives. The ones who thought having a vagina would make everyone accept them as a real woman, and that they'd stop receiving transphobic bigotry. They can't accept that SRS didn't make EVERYTHING perfect, something else must be wrong.
So they turn their own insecure failings they thought SRS would chase away and turn it against those they see as lesser. They forget that when they were pre-op they felt every bit as much a woman as they do post-op, and they basically misgender and invalidate their own life history by insisting anyone who hasn't gotten srs yet is less real than they are. It's a classic feel-good-at-the-expense-of-others tactic.
It also has to do with sex. A LOT of Trans women buy into the rad fem bullshit that if you're trans, you're not allowed to enjoy sex if you're pre-op. Because in their backwards logic, real women don't enjoy sex unless they're sluts, and since sluts are subhuman in the eyes of radfems, any trans woman who likes sex is a slut by default and therefore represents only the "worst degrading stereotypes of what a real woman is". Well I'm sorry but fuck that. My wife is a cis woman who loves sex and is certainly no slut since I'm her only sex partner right now, but really, a slut is a name tight-assed people give to people they're jealous of. A slut is someone who is happier than they are doing something they deny themselves.
My friend Danielle Foxxx is Post-op. She loved sex when she was pre-op and she loves it now. The only thing SRS changed for her was it made her feel more comfortable with her body image and it changed the technical aspects of how she fucks.
Some non-ops like me, (Granted I'm an intersexed femal, with female chromosomes and a uterus, but to most people since I have a penis I may as well be trans), are non-op only because something medical prevents surgey. In my case a blood disorder means invasive surgery will kill me. Women like me then have to learn to make peace with the bodies we have in conjunction with who we are as women, a traumatizing journey made all the more difficult by the shallow post-ops joining the chorus of hate telling us we'll NEVER count.
Others however, CHOOSE to be non-op for various reasons. Some don't have the obsession with genitals that "Josephine" does. They don't link bodyparts to identity with the same narrow paintbrush that others do, where what's in your panties is the sole condition to determining what you ARE. These non-ops Are comfortable enough in their identity that they don't need SRS to "prove" anything. They look at it clinically and weigh what SRS gains them compared to what it takes away and they make the difficult choice to live as women with a penis. others simply don't accept gender as a rigid two-sided construct that must never stray from either/or.
The main problem for post-ops like "Josephine" is that they want to hide, to blend in, to just be a woman and forget/bury/ignore all the hardships they survived to get where they are. They hate that all these lesser people who DARE to be *gasp* HAPPY with what they are and comfortable with themselves physically, emotionally and sexually, keeping drawing uncomfortable attention to trans issues by being uppity little bitches telling people about trans issues! How dare they???
So any grief they get for being trans as post-op women is the fault of all these lippy mouth men in dresses, because they're really real women now, why would anyone have a problem with them?
I dearly wish all post-ops could be like Kate or Gwen or Danielle. Sadly I've met WAY too many Josephines. If you actually know Gwen, ask her about Dianne some day. OHHHH has Gwen got stories for you!
Post-op does not make you any more or less a woman than any cis woman or pre-op trans-women. Nor do the clothes you wear. The ONLY thing that makes you a woman is your mind and heart and soul. Some people need surgeries to be more at peace with the BODY, but womanhood is in the soul. Don't step on those who found peace on a different path than yours.
If we all found peace on the exact same path it'd be a goddamned crowded picnic, and I can't afford to bring enough beer to get you drunk enough to stop hating yourself so much you need to shit on me.
4/26/2010
Internet Means Never Having To Say "I'm Classy"
I'm sure we all agree one of the worst things about t3h interwebs is that for many people it's an excuse to cross boundaries they (hopefully) would not in real life. People who would never crack jokes about Rape or Abortion in real life happily create entire message board threads, photoshop pictures and memes dedicated to such topics. If you've even so much as HEARD about 4chan, /b/tards, or Encyclopedia Dramatica, you know all too well that the very worst in human nature is frequently traded online for the lulz, in ways only the most socially reviled people would ever utter aloud in person.
A lesser example of this phenomenon is personal boundaries. On the internet, people will ask you the most tactless questions you would rarely hear so bluntly in person. I got one such question today. While it certainly wasn't near the crude crap level of 4chan, it was still pretty crass and tactless, and lacking any sense of "Is this an okay question to ask of a complete stranger?"
Some of you who read me regularly online know that I have somehow for reasons I will never comprehend become close friends online with some women who work in Adult films. A few of them even think of me like a sister and have publicly said as much on Twitter.
I know why I love them. My working theory is they love me for pretty much the same reason. They treat me with respect. They treat me like a human being. They accept me fully as a woman and they never question it or give me grief about my bits not matching my soul. And I have always treated them the same. They're people, what they do for a living has no bearing on who they are or their worth as a person.
Today, on my Formspring account, an anonymous user asked me this about the closest of my sisters-in-porn.
- "Since **** ****** still escorts and is doing work for dogfart dot com [GH, WMMGB and BonC]. If you had the opportunity would you have sex with **** ******? Any other Pornstars that you would like to do?"
I don't follow what the woman he asked about does for work. I know she still does porn, I don't much care. She's happy and healthy and enjoys her life. But she's like a sister to me. I don't talk about porn when I'm on the phone with her. We talk about life, kids, family, etc. We talk sex sometimes but not in any way pornified, we talk about it like best friends or sisters would. But we don't talk about who she's working for, or what kind of scene she's got scheduled, or who she most or least likes working with. And we sure as hell don't talk about the idea of her and I someday fucking. I don't imagine the thought ever crossed her mind, and it hasn't crossed mine since LONG before I knew her.
I don't think of my friends in Porn in terms of fucking, I think of them as people I'm friends with who HAPPEN to do sex work. There are a few if they hit on me I'd certainly not say no, but I don't think about it happening. I respect them enough to be honest, the ones I wouldn't refuse know who they are, and they respect me for admitting to that thought process while not ever actively persuing it. The only reason it's ever come up in conversation is when they were asking me questions about my short erotica stories, and what inspires me.
Usually it was brought up as a joke and being my way I'd answer honestly, either 'Well, yes if you really wanted to and you made the first move', or, for the ones I proudly call sister, "No, I don't think of you that way, you're like family". And they respect my honesty, but these are not every day conversations.
Of the 15 porn actresses that I actually call friend, who publicly call me friuend also, the subject has only ever come up with 5 of them, usually as a joke, and never awkwardly, and pretty much forgotten afterwards. It has never been a regular line of conversation, nor would i wish it to be. When we do discuss sex stuff, it's usually in a galpal way, and never has any undertones of it involving them and I. To my knowledge only ONE of them actually would fuck me if the opportunity ever presented itself, but even then we don't much dwell on it because the opportunity isn't terribly likely to ever occur.
But because they happen to be porn stars, and have publicly acknowledged me as someone they love to bits, I get questions from their fans asking me if I want to or even ever have fucked them.
Now maybe I'm naive but I'd really like to think that very few men would walk up to me in real life and ask me if I have or would want to fuck (Insert name here). That's a question I'd humor only from a good friend who asked out of curiousity. If a guy asked me that in real life I'd possibly slap him.
But here on the internet there are no such risks involved with stupid tactless invasive questions. Guys feel like not only is it perfectly okay to ask a woman they've never spoken to before about her sexual proclivities with famous pornstars, but seem genuinely pissed off when I decline to answer as if I'M the one being rude and trashy by declining to humour them.
Only on the internet.
PS - No I will not name names. If you really care which pornstars a chubby girl is friends with check my Twitter. I will not pass along fan messages when I'm on the phone with any of them. I will not give shout-outs. And I will not ask them prying sex questions on your behalf. They are my FRIENDS and I am not going to mistreat them for you because you can't seperate their job from their hearts. You know who you are.
Yeah I know, someone with class on the internet. Told you I was a freak.
A lesser example of this phenomenon is personal boundaries. On the internet, people will ask you the most tactless questions you would rarely hear so bluntly in person. I got one such question today. While it certainly wasn't near the crude crap level of 4chan, it was still pretty crass and tactless, and lacking any sense of "Is this an okay question to ask of a complete stranger?"
Some of you who read me regularly online know that I have somehow for reasons I will never comprehend become close friends online with some women who work in Adult films. A few of them even think of me like a sister and have publicly said as much on Twitter.
I know why I love them. My working theory is they love me for pretty much the same reason. They treat me with respect. They treat me like a human being. They accept me fully as a woman and they never question it or give me grief about my bits not matching my soul. And I have always treated them the same. They're people, what they do for a living has no bearing on who they are or their worth as a person.
Today, on my Formspring account, an anonymous user asked me this about the closest of my sisters-in-porn.
- "Since **** ****** still escorts and is doing work for dogfart dot com [GH, WMMGB and BonC]. If you had the opportunity would you have sex with **** ******? Any other Pornstars that you would like to do?"
I don't follow what the woman he asked about does for work. I know she still does porn, I don't much care. She's happy and healthy and enjoys her life. But she's like a sister to me. I don't talk about porn when I'm on the phone with her. We talk about life, kids, family, etc. We talk sex sometimes but not in any way pornified, we talk about it like best friends or sisters would. But we don't talk about who she's working for, or what kind of scene she's got scheduled, or who she most or least likes working with. And we sure as hell don't talk about the idea of her and I someday fucking. I don't imagine the thought ever crossed her mind, and it hasn't crossed mine since LONG before I knew her.
I don't think of my friends in Porn in terms of fucking, I think of them as people I'm friends with who HAPPEN to do sex work. There are a few if they hit on me I'd certainly not say no, but I don't think about it happening. I respect them enough to be honest, the ones I wouldn't refuse know who they are, and they respect me for admitting to that thought process while not ever actively persuing it. The only reason it's ever come up in conversation is when they were asking me questions about my short erotica stories, and what inspires me.
Usually it was brought up as a joke and being my way I'd answer honestly, either 'Well, yes if you really wanted to and you made the first move', or, for the ones I proudly call sister, "No, I don't think of you that way, you're like family". And they respect my honesty, but these are not every day conversations.
Of the 15 porn actresses that I actually call friend, who publicly call me friuend also, the subject has only ever come up with 5 of them, usually as a joke, and never awkwardly, and pretty much forgotten afterwards. It has never been a regular line of conversation, nor would i wish it to be. When we do discuss sex stuff, it's usually in a galpal way, and never has any undertones of it involving them and I. To my knowledge only ONE of them actually would fuck me if the opportunity ever presented itself, but even then we don't much dwell on it because the opportunity isn't terribly likely to ever occur.
But because they happen to be porn stars, and have publicly acknowledged me as someone they love to bits, I get questions from their fans asking me if I want to or even ever have fucked them.
Now maybe I'm naive but I'd really like to think that very few men would walk up to me in real life and ask me if I have or would want to fuck (Insert name here). That's a question I'd humor only from a good friend who asked out of curiousity. If a guy asked me that in real life I'd possibly slap him.
But here on the internet there are no such risks involved with stupid tactless invasive questions. Guys feel like not only is it perfectly okay to ask a woman they've never spoken to before about her sexual proclivities with famous pornstars, but seem genuinely pissed off when I decline to answer as if I'M the one being rude and trashy by declining to humour them.
Only on the internet.
PS - No I will not name names. If you really care which pornstars a chubby girl is friends with check my Twitter. I will not pass along fan messages when I'm on the phone with any of them. I will not give shout-outs. And I will not ask them prying sex questions on your behalf. They are my FRIENDS and I am not going to mistreat them for you because you can't seperate their job from their hearts. You know who you are.
Yeah I know, someone with class on the internet. Told you I was a freak.
3/21/2010
Looking For Clouds In A Silver Lining
EDIT 04/24/2010 - I have since seen the actual film and am utterly horrified by much of it. But i stand by my opinion that we can use it to our advantage as a tool to teach people what NOT to believe about us. Therefore i'll leave this blog entry as is, with this added note that i think isreal luna is a fucking hateful little moron and needs his ass kicked.
************************************************************************************
Yesterday, on Twitter, my friend Autumn Sandeem from the always effervescent blog Pam's House Blend brought a movie trailer that she found horrifying and offensive to my attention. Video below.
Now, I love Autumn and she is a very smart cookie, but I look at this movie trailer and think something completely different than she does. Autumn's complaints are as follows.
- The film looks to be exploitative and trashy
- It potrays Trans Stereotypes
- It trivializes real trans violence
- Using real trans murder victims in the marketing is offensive
Now a lot of my trans sisters have openly admitted to being awed by my ability to stay positive about my hope for the world regarding trans issues when we still get so much shit just for being us, but I watched this trailer and I saw something completely different, and I'd like to take this time to explain to all my trans sisters why I think this movie is a good thing and should be supported and celebrated actively, not shunned and villified.
First of all, yes it's trashy and exploitative. It's an Homage to trashy sexploitation revenge movies from the 70's. It bloody SAYS so. But that's a good thing. Because the audience for cheesy trash like this is generally made up of cis folks who otherwise wouldn't pay much attention to trans issues. Seriously, do you know how many men realized how evil rape really is after watching I Spit On Your Grave? This is EXACTLY the kind of subversive message movie that changes minds. People who watch this movie will subtly be persuaded as they watch it how wrong transphobic violence is.
As for using the names of real trans murder victims in the trailer. This too is a GOOD thing. Why? Because at least half of the people watching this who aren't Trans are going to be curious about those names. Some guy for example who's never really been exposed to news about Transphobic violence, will see Angie Zapata's name and get curious. So he's going to go and Google her and read about an innocent vibrant young woman who was brutally murdered by a bigoted asshole who targeted her just for being different. He's going to read statements from her mother and siblings tearfully lamenting what that asshole stole from them.
He's going to learn about a real flesh and blood three dimensional young woman whose loss has hurt people and he's going to be horrified and he'll learn to be more sensitive to trans people.
That is a GOOD thing.
I'd also like to point out, however trashy this movie is going to be, the trailer makes it a point to call the acts it draws from, and the attack in the movie that sets up the revenge plot, HATE-CRIMES. It's not whitewashing it. It's not for a moment suggesting we deserve it. It never comes CLOSE to saying "These people are freaks and it's okay to hurt them".
No this trailer is saying "These women are going to go get revenge on some hateful douchebags who hurt them just because they were different".
Another point I'd like to bring up is that while, yes, most of the ladies starring in this movie look like drag queens, there's still diversity here. There's a fat one, there are a few different races among them, and a few of them just look like plain average women. The one who got hospitalized and comatose for example, NOWHERE in the trailer, even once she dresses to kill so to sopeak, does she ever look like any "tranny" stereotype. She always just looks like a woman, period.
I DO understand why some of my sisters hsave a problem with this movie, but I honestly think they're looking at this all wrong. This movie is a HUGE opportunity, if we react to it right.
Instead of screaming "TRASH! STEREOTYPES! EXPLOITATION!", which will just make a lot of people tune us out, here's what we all SHOULD be doing.
Support this movie. Get it played as often as possible to as many audiences as you can reach. And BOOKEND the movie. Explain what this movie gets right about us and then close with a Q & A. This movie WILL make people more curious about our real lives, and it WILL make a lot of people more open to seeing us as worthwhile and deserving of respect.
The truth is, the loud hateful bullies are NOT as numerous as you think. You just see more of them because they ARE loud. Most cis people don't hate us, they just don't understand us, and no one is educating them about us in a way that they can relate to. This movie will open that door for a LOT of people, and instead of screaming about how the door itself is decorated, we should be the concierge, showing people through that door and helping them to a comfortable table.
This is a situation we can use to our benefit. Kneejerk reactions to the trashy stuff won't help any of us in the long run.
For now let's just help as many people as we can through that door. You can complain about the paintjob later.
************************************************************************************
Yesterday, on Twitter, my friend Autumn Sandeem from the always effervescent blog Pam's House Blend brought a movie trailer that she found horrifying and offensive to my attention. Video below.
Now, I love Autumn and she is a very smart cookie, but I look at this movie trailer and think something completely different than she does. Autumn's complaints are as follows.
- The film looks to be exploitative and trashy
- It potrays Trans Stereotypes
- It trivializes real trans violence
- Using real trans murder victims in the marketing is offensive
Now a lot of my trans sisters have openly admitted to being awed by my ability to stay positive about my hope for the world regarding trans issues when we still get so much shit just for being us, but I watched this trailer and I saw something completely different, and I'd like to take this time to explain to all my trans sisters why I think this movie is a good thing and should be supported and celebrated actively, not shunned and villified.
First of all, yes it's trashy and exploitative. It's an Homage to trashy sexploitation revenge movies from the 70's. It bloody SAYS so. But that's a good thing. Because the audience for cheesy trash like this is generally made up of cis folks who otherwise wouldn't pay much attention to trans issues. Seriously, do you know how many men realized how evil rape really is after watching I Spit On Your Grave? This is EXACTLY the kind of subversive message movie that changes minds. People who watch this movie will subtly be persuaded as they watch it how wrong transphobic violence is.
As for using the names of real trans murder victims in the trailer. This too is a GOOD thing. Why? Because at least half of the people watching this who aren't Trans are going to be curious about those names. Some guy for example who's never really been exposed to news about Transphobic violence, will see Angie Zapata's name and get curious. So he's going to go and Google her and read about an innocent vibrant young woman who was brutally murdered by a bigoted asshole who targeted her just for being different. He's going to read statements from her mother and siblings tearfully lamenting what that asshole stole from them.
He's going to learn about a real flesh and blood three dimensional young woman whose loss has hurt people and he's going to be horrified and he'll learn to be more sensitive to trans people.
That is a GOOD thing.
I'd also like to point out, however trashy this movie is going to be, the trailer makes it a point to call the acts it draws from, and the attack in the movie that sets up the revenge plot, HATE-CRIMES. It's not whitewashing it. It's not for a moment suggesting we deserve it. It never comes CLOSE to saying "These people are freaks and it's okay to hurt them".
No this trailer is saying "These women are going to go get revenge on some hateful douchebags who hurt them just because they were different".
Another point I'd like to bring up is that while, yes, most of the ladies starring in this movie look like drag queens, there's still diversity here. There's a fat one, there are a few different races among them, and a few of them just look like plain average women. The one who got hospitalized and comatose for example, NOWHERE in the trailer, even once she dresses to kill so to sopeak, does she ever look like any "tranny" stereotype. She always just looks like a woman, period.
I DO understand why some of my sisters hsave a problem with this movie, but I honestly think they're looking at this all wrong. This movie is a HUGE opportunity, if we react to it right.
Instead of screaming "TRASH! STEREOTYPES! EXPLOITATION!", which will just make a lot of people tune us out, here's what we all SHOULD be doing.
Support this movie. Get it played as often as possible to as many audiences as you can reach. And BOOKEND the movie. Explain what this movie gets right about us and then close with a Q & A. This movie WILL make people more curious about our real lives, and it WILL make a lot of people more open to seeing us as worthwhile and deserving of respect.
The truth is, the loud hateful bullies are NOT as numerous as you think. You just see more of them because they ARE loud. Most cis people don't hate us, they just don't understand us, and no one is educating them about us in a way that they can relate to. This movie will open that door for a LOT of people, and instead of screaming about how the door itself is decorated, we should be the concierge, showing people through that door and helping them to a comfortable table.
This is a situation we can use to our benefit. Kneejerk reactions to the trashy stuff won't help any of us in the long run.
For now let's just help as many people as we can through that door. You can complain about the paintjob later.
3/12/2010
A Happy Personal Milestone
Potential trigger warning, discretion advised. Entry begins after the jump.
As those of you who know me, or who have at least thoroughly read my blog know, nineteen years ago, I was brutally and repeatedly anally raped every night over the course of three months in Juvey. For the last four of those years I've been married to a woman named Fran. Fran has helped me to overcome a lot of that trauma, much moreso than in the years before I met her.
I've been angry with myself for a long time that I still allowed that trauma so much control over my life. There were things Fran and I wanted to try sexually that I just couldn't do, because of the high trigger potential for me. Anything anal obviously, was too high-risk of inadvertantly triggering a flashback, and leaving me in twitching sobs. Fran patiently, lovingly spent the last four years helping me overcome the traumas. She would hold me safe in her arms, whisper soothing comfort in my ear, and make sure I felt safe and loved. She helped me take back the power I had given to the trauma.
Fran was impossibly patient and understanding, helping me work through my lingering baggage.
And tonight, her patience was rewarded. Tonight, for the first time, my wife took me from behind with a strap-on.
She was soft, she was gentle. She caressed my back and bum cheek softly and reassuringly. She let me and my body dictate the pace of the penetration, and of the thrusting, and she stopped when I was ready to stop. And I enjoyed it. She did everything with love and my body knew it could trust her completely. I didn't freeze, I didn't lock up, I didn't hyperventilate. I didn't have one single solitary flashback. And it felt good and I had fun.
And I am SO Goddamned proud of myself.
To a lot of people I suppose receiving anal sex is just a fun side attraction to sex, or something to try once just to check it off on a sexual "been there done that" list.
To me it was a huge personal milestone. To me, tonight, receiving anal sex, safely and comfortably, means that I have reclaimed one more thing from my rapists. It means one more thing now I can enjoy with my wife without letting the past cast a shadow over it.
To me this means I'm healing at long last, and no matter the method. this kind of major healing progress is always something to be proud of.
As those of you who know me, or who have at least thoroughly read my blog know, nineteen years ago, I was brutally and repeatedly anally raped every night over the course of three months in Juvey. For the last four of those years I've been married to a woman named Fran. Fran has helped me to overcome a lot of that trauma, much moreso than in the years before I met her.
I've been angry with myself for a long time that I still allowed that trauma so much control over my life. There were things Fran and I wanted to try sexually that I just couldn't do, because of the high trigger potential for me. Anything anal obviously, was too high-risk of inadvertantly triggering a flashback, and leaving me in twitching sobs. Fran patiently, lovingly spent the last four years helping me overcome the traumas. She would hold me safe in her arms, whisper soothing comfort in my ear, and make sure I felt safe and loved. She helped me take back the power I had given to the trauma.
Fran was impossibly patient and understanding, helping me work through my lingering baggage.
And tonight, her patience was rewarded. Tonight, for the first time, my wife took me from behind with a strap-on.
She was soft, she was gentle. She caressed my back and bum cheek softly and reassuringly. She let me and my body dictate the pace of the penetration, and of the thrusting, and she stopped when I was ready to stop. And I enjoyed it. She did everything with love and my body knew it could trust her completely. I didn't freeze, I didn't lock up, I didn't hyperventilate. I didn't have one single solitary flashback. And it felt good and I had fun.
And I am SO Goddamned proud of myself.
To a lot of people I suppose receiving anal sex is just a fun side attraction to sex, or something to try once just to check it off on a sexual "been there done that" list.
To me it was a huge personal milestone. To me, tonight, receiving anal sex, safely and comfortably, means that I have reclaimed one more thing from my rapists. It means one more thing now I can enjoy with my wife without letting the past cast a shadow over it.
To me this means I'm healing at long last, and no matter the method. this kind of major healing progress is always something to be proud of.
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