A Happy Personal Milestone

Potential trigger warning, discretion advised. Entry begins after the jump.

As those of you who know me, or who have at least thoroughly read my blog know, nineteen years ago, I was brutally and repeatedly anally raped every night over the course of three months in Juvey. For the last four of those years I've been married to a woman named Fran. Fran has helped me to overcome a lot of that trauma, much moreso than in the years before I met her.

I've been angry with myself for a long time that I still allowed that trauma so much control over my life. There were things Fran and I wanted to try sexually that I just couldn't do, because of the high trigger potential for me. Anything anal obviously, was too high-risk of inadvertantly triggering a flashback, and leaving me in twitching sobs. Fran patiently, lovingly spent the last four years helping me overcome the traumas. She would hold me safe in her arms, whisper soothing comfort in my ear, and make sure I felt safe and loved. She helped me take back the power I had given to the trauma.

Fran was impossibly patient and understanding, helping me work through my lingering baggage.

And tonight, her patience was rewarded. Tonight, for the first time, my wife took me from behind with a strap-on.

She was soft, she was gentle. She caressed my back and bum cheek softly and reassuringly. She let me and my body dictate the pace of the penetration, and of the thrusting, and she stopped when I was ready to stop. And I enjoyed it. She did everything with love and my body knew it could trust her completely. I didn't freeze, I didn't lock up, I didn't hyperventilate. I didn't have one single solitary flashback. And it felt good and I had fun.

And I am SO Goddamned proud of myself.

To a lot of people I suppose receiving anal sex is just a fun side attraction to sex, or something to try once just to check it off on a sexual "been there done that" list.

To me it was a huge personal milestone. To me, tonight, receiving anal sex, safely and comfortably, means that I have reclaimed one more thing from my rapists. It means one more thing now I can enjoy with my wife without letting the past cast a shadow over it.

To me this means I'm healing at long last, and no matter the method. this kind of major healing progress is always something to be proud of.

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