Because It's On My Mind Now

So the story of the 11 year old trans girl in Germany being institutionalized has been especially touching a raw nerve for me of late.

When I was 16, about a half a year before my juvey rapes, I was institutionalized for 30 days at the asylum (I REFUSE to call them "psychiatric hospitals" because that would imply they heal anyone), for an evaluation to determine the cause of my anger issues.

So one day I'm drawing naked women, and the staff and doctors zeroed in on it. They tore up my drawings and told me very matter-of-factly my problems stemmed from a misogynist personality, that I hated women and was sexist and violent because of it. Having dealt by then with a good decade of shrinks and authority figures misdiagnosing me and NEVER listening TO me, I started screaming at them. I wasn't drawing naked women because I hated women and just saw them as fucktoys, I was drawing MYSELF as I was SUPPOSED to be.

They proceeded to restrain me violently enough to bruise me and dislocate my bad shoulder despite my only yelling and making ZERO physical threats, doped me up to the point of being all but lobotomized, and threw me in a padded room naked. I was so doped up I couldn't control my bodily functions or even stand up and pissed myself sitting there, (which they determined I was faking somehow) and was left laying in my own filth without food for 3 days. They refused to let me out or stop shooting me up with drugs, (and refused to EVER tell me WHAT I was being drugged WITH), until I "admitted" that I was making up my gender issues and that I was a bitter angry misogynist who wanted to hurt women.

And after 3 days without food sleeping in my own waste, I gave in and told them what they wanted to hear. Until the day I was transferred back to Juvey when I was put in the truck, and I looked squarely at the shrink who ordered all this and told her "I lied to get out of that room. YOU lied to put me in it. I am a girl, and you are a horrible abusive evil person, and I hope you rot in hell for what you do here."

She fumed and told the guards to make sure the Juvey staff ignored anything I said and to ONLY acknowledge HER report. Which of course the guards agreed to. It was primarily BECAUSE of her bullshit report that I got transferred to the hardcore prison wherein I was raped every night for 3 fucking months.

I fear for that little girl. I KNOW what those bastards will do to her to convince her she's a boy. And it terrifies me that she'll learn to play along so they'll stop mistreating her.

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