I just found out the sperm donor died finally last night around 7PM. Larry was in his early seventies, and had been struggling with colon cancer and tongue cancer for years. It had been years more since the last time I gave enough of a shit about the man to attempt any contact. That bastard doesn't deserve a single tear from me... so
why am I crying?
I remember I loved him once, when I was little, visiting him at summer break and Christmas, before I was old enough to really understand his evil. He beat up my mom and stepmom, he let his little brother molest me, he actively worked to turn me against my stepfather.
He convinced my half-sisters that their mom lied about abuse I WITNESSED FIRST HAND so they'd hate her and worship him, while I have a cigarette burn in my left palm HE put there when I was 8 GODDAMN MONTHS OLD because he caught me chewing on record player parts he'd left on the floor. Hell he's the man who without even consulting my mother agreed to the Doctors' pressure to butcher my infant genitals to make me a "boy".
And when I told him I was living fulltime as a woman he disowned me and told his family I died in a car wreck.
He was thoroughly evil. So why am I sobbing? Why am I giving that bastard tears he doesn't deserve? Yeah he was my father but he was never my Dad. Then again in a family where HIS mom made him at age 5 take his pet cat out in the back yard and SHOOT it because she disliked it's yowling? I don't think Larry ever stood a chance at being a decent human being. Jean was an evil bgitter woman. She was a closeted lesbian her whole life til the very end, when she confessed it to my grandfather as a final fuck you to the family she'd spent her whole life taking her bitterness out on.
And in the end, he was still my father I guess...
Maybe I'm crying because I'm relieved that long ugly chunk of my life is over. Maybe I'm mourning the imaginary image of my Daddy that never really existed. Maybe you just can't help but weep when family dies, even if it's family that abused you and you should hate. I don't know.
I just know that my father is dead and I'm crying.
Life is funny that way.