Wishing to Understand the Cruelty of my own Mind.

This was going to be the second "New Hedon Word of the Week" post, but I'm numb today and I can't think up a new word. I'd had a rotten week and I'm finding it difficult to be mirthful.

Our oldest male cat Alex died on Monday, after a weekend of pain and suffering.

We called 15 different local Vets. Not ONE would treat him. Not unless we paid half the surgery cost up front. That means since we couldn't afford $400 on the spot, we had to watch Alex die, untreated. All we could do was make him as comfortable as possible and wait for him to stop fighting. We buried him under the mint bush.

So I'm angry this week to begin with. Angry that money was a higher priority to 15 goddamned ANIMAL DOCTORS than making sure AN ANIMAL wouldn't die. Why be a vet at all if the care of a sick animal isn't your top priority?

So I wasn't really in the best state of mind to begin with. Then the week got worse.

Someone I idolized poked giant gaping holes in my self-esteem. Which ruined for me the otherwise kickass experience of two popular pornstars saying things to me unsolicited that should have seriously boosted it.

I won't name them, that would be bragging. One thinks I'm cute and sweet for making her a virtual tee-shirt in support of her friend, the other said she'd fuck me because I used an old term no one uses anymore. For a chubby average looking intersexed girl whose only good feature is a giant natural rack, that should've utterly made my week better. Instead, anger at vets, and disappointment that an idol could care less about a milestone in my life that I partially credited her for helping me achieve made the honest compliments from beautiful women feel bittersweet.

Two beautiful women, women that men the world over lust after, and would give anything to even just meet and talk let alone fuck them...... they said nice things to me without being coaxed or goaded or solicited to. They said them because they wanted to, and meant them. And I should be fucking over the moon about it. I'm an overweight ugly woman with a penis, how often do the beautiful people EVER notice a girl like me without being nasty?

I should be ecstatic. I should be bragging. I should be looking into a plane ticket to California to call the one girl's bluff and see if she actually would fuck me. But somehow I just feel uglier, emptier, and I don't know why. My own mind is far crueller to me than anyone else ever is.

It can't even let me enjoy nice compliments from nice people.

I think I'll go back to bed, before this mental flagellation gets any worse, and just try to be relieved that Alex isn't suffering, and happy that pornstars think I rock.